You Need People (Even When You Don't Think You Do)
When I’m struggling with depression, my brain tells me a very convincing lie: people are draining, and I’ll be better off avoiding them all.
Isolation feels like self-preservation. It feels like protecting my limited energy. It feels logical.
It’s also incredibly unhealthy for humans—and it makes everything worse.
In this series, we’ve covered the internal work (changing how you talk to yourself) and the practical basics (keeping yourself fed and functional). Now we’re tackling the hardest part: staying connected when everything in you wants to disappear.
I’m outrageously skeptical about what I refer to as “woo-woo bullshit,” but the longer I’ve been dealing with my mental health, the more I’ve learned that some things that sound very woo-wooey are still factual.
People give off an energy. And sometimes there’s no better way to feel connection than to be in the same space as a trusted friend or loved one and feel their energy.
Talk to people face to face at least once a week
Connecting with others has become more challenging since my agoraphobia has become more intense, but I still try to connect with my trusted friends at least once a month. If you’re able, get together with another human at least once a week and get a 10 second hug. Hugs that last at least 6 seconds release serotonin and oxytocin in your system and that increases greatly at the 10-second mark. Heck, take that up to 20 seconds if you’re feeling especially in need of some positive hormones in your system. I suggest you tell your hug-ee ahead of time that you need the hug to last that long, otherwise it can get awkward when they keep trying to end the hug and you don’t let go.
Teach your people what to watch for and what you need
My husband and close friends know the warning signs of when I’m starting to really struggle with my depression. They have my permission to bring these up and open the conversation to see how I’m doing and what I may need. To give them the information they need to help me, I needed to take the time to reflect on times when I’ve been struggling and look for any patterns. In doing that, I was able to see common warning signs that things may be in a downward spiral. In addition to providing my support network with the tools to help me, it also provided me additional tools in my own arsenal to help myself.
Connection isn’t a luxury when you’re struggling with depression or anxiety—it’s a survival tool. Even when (especially when) it feels easier to hide.
Teaching your people what to watch for gives them permission to care for you in ways that actually help. And showing up face-to-face, even briefly, even just for a 10-second hug, can shift something in your nervous system that nothing else can touch.
You don’t have to navigate this alone. And honestly? You weren’t meant to.
This completes our 3-part series on getting through depression and anxiety cycles. If you missed the earlier parts:
Remember: every small step you take is a victory worth celebrating. You’re doing better than you think you are.
