Several months ago, my therapist gave me a simple but powerful assignment - to ask myself three questions when I am feeling dysregulated. These questions have helped me to be far gentler with myself than I ever have been - mentally, emotionally and physically. Here they are:
Is this really a problem?
Is this really a problem, or is this something that I think is a problem because of past trauma or nervous system dysregulation? Like a lot of people who’ve experienced trauma in childhood, I have core beliefs that are inaccurate. I no longer live in the same circumstances that I lived in as a child, yet my brain still operates as if I do.
Recently, I had boxes of stuff in my front room and my mom and sister were coming to visit. I was stressing out about it and thinking that I needed to get it taken care of immediately, before they came to visit. But when I stop and ask, “Is this really a problem?” I realize, “No, this is not a problem.”
My mom and my sister understand that I am going through some mental health struggles right now. They understand that I have very limited capacity, and honestly, they don’t care about the boxes in my front room. They’re coming to visit me. They’re not coming to visit my house.
This question helped me recognize the path my brain takes subconsciously: past trauma led to the belief that incomplete tasks are a failure, and that the failure leads to punishment, rejection, or withdrawal of love which is a problem. Having that unrecognized underlying operating system, led me to believe that the boxes were a problem when, in reality (the current circumstance I live in), it’s not a problem at all.
What is the story I’m telling myself?
This technique helps us to stop and ask ourselves what coping mechanisms from our past are being applied. This is important is because the coping mechanisms we used to survive in the past generally aren’t the most sophisticated or helpful. As soon as we pull it out and look at it from a slight distance, when we say, “Oh, the story I’m telling myself about this situation is XYZ,” we create a little bit of distance. Distance allows us to look at the story without the emotions attached, which helps us to recognize that it may not be the best or truest interpretation of the current situation. It allows us to be more objective in our assessment.
Let’s look at the story I tell myself about not being able to work. As a child, productivity, contributing, and being helpful were the coping mechanisms I used to create a sense of love and safety. Now, I have a disability, and the story I’m telling myself is that I have no value or worth because I’m not working, I’m not contributing, and I have very limited capacity for being helpful. This leads to a fear of abandonment and the fear that no one will love or accept me.
When I look at it from a distance, I see that working and my ability to contribute a paycheck is not my identity. My identity is my character, my values, my personality, and those things have not changed just because I have a disability. My husband, friends and family don’t love me because I bring home a paycheck. They love me because of who I am. I can also reflect on why I love the people in my life and reaffirm that none of these reasons have to do with their ability to clear a To Do list. The story that I’m telling myself is a lie.
What does my body need from me right now?
Also, what is my body asking for or what is my body telling me to do?
This questions helps us engage in the somatic practice of listening to what our body needs in any given situation. Sometimes our body is telling us that we need to push away. Sometimes our body is telling us we need to walk away. Sometimes our body is telling us that we need to feel safe and enclosed.
Our body asks for different things in different situations when we’re feeling dysregulated, and in these situations, we can’t think ourselves out of a physical response. Fight or flight, freeze, etc are all reactions that require a physical completion of the stress cycle. Not completing the cycle causes our nervous system to stay in a state of activation which has a negative impact on our mental and physical health.
One time, I saw something disturbing, and what my body was telling me to do was to push it or throw it away. I can complete that stress cycle by going up to a wall and pushing the wall away. I’m giving my body the physical sensation of what it needs by pushing. In theory, I could also have chosen to throw something. Going outside and throwing ice against a wall would be a safe and effective way of allowing my body the sensation it needs.
While these questions can be used in any circumstance and any combination, these are the circumstances that I’ve found them to be helpful:
“Is this really a problem?” is generally a question that I ask myself when I am rushing to take action and I need to determine if action is truly necessary. The emotion or sensation that I feel when I realize I need to ask this question is franticness, an overwhelming urge to do something where the action doesn’t feel like it aligns with my needs and values.
“What is the story I’m telling myself?” is the question I ask when I’m feeling a lot of mental and emotional dissonance and dysregulation around a circumstance, and it keeps coming up over and over again. The emotions or sensations that prompt this question are fear, and ruminating or racing thoughts.
“What is my body asking for?” is a question that I ask myself in situations where I am feeling emotions in my body somatically in a way that is overwhelming and uncomfortable. This question helps me to slow down and connect with my body to determine it’s needs in the moment.
Being gentler with yourself does not mean avoiding reality or pretending hard things are easy. It means meeting yourself with enough honesty, curiosity, and compassion to respond to what is actually happening instead of what fear, trauma, or overwhelm tells you is happening. If you want to try this practice, start small. The next time you feel frantic, ashamed, or overwhelmed, pause and ask yourself just one of these questions. You do not have to fix everything in that moment. You only have to listen closely enough to respond with a little more kindness than usual.
If this resonates with you, I’d love for you to subscribe, stay awhile, and continue this journey with me.
You’re also welcome to share this post with someone who may need a little more understanding, language, or hope in their own mental health journey.
