Learning to Reject the Myth of “Normal”
Redefining "normal" as how my brain and body experiences the world
Yesterday, I experienced a significant panic attack as a result of feeling trapped in a situation where I felt I was being set up to fail. I felt like I had no control and I felt like I was being pressured to set up a team member to fail as well. All of those things really triggered my past trauma, and so I ended up having a major panic attack.
The wins in the situation were:
that I recognized as I was having the feelings and the thoughts that they were directly tied to past trauma. So the way that I was reacting and responding to the current situation was compounded by stuff from the past.
that I got up, I walked away from my desk, I took the medication I needed to take, I rested, and I just concentrated on taking care of myself and respecting my body’s needs in that moment instead of trying to force myself to continue working and to just continue trying to deny or shove down the physical and emotional experience that I was having. I acknowledged the feelings I was having. This is a HUGE win for me.
I struggled last night a lot with grief around having had so many past experiences that I could respond so strongly to what is, in fact, a very normal work situation - where you feel like you’re not being heard or it seems like people are asking you to do more work with fewer resources. I mean, I think that’s a pretty typical experience that most people encounter, but my history is such that it felt like I was in danger. I feel a lot of grief around that.
I’m definitely trying to navigate the feelings of “I just want to be normal! Why can’t I be normal?” And it all comes back to understanding that:
I’m not sure that there is any such thing as normal
For somebody with a neurodiverse brain and somebody whose neurodiversity also includes PTSD, this is normal
This is normal, and it’s part of the ongoing process and the ongoing work of accepting that this is how my brain and my body work. I have seen improvement, and I will continue to see improvement and healing, but it’s not a fast process, it’s not an overnight process, and it’s a work that’s probably never going to be done.
I think that recovering from mental health and PTSD struggles is no different than recovering from a substance addiction. The work is never done; every day we have to make the choice to continue moving forward in our progress, in our process, and in our healing and recovery. Or we’re going to backslide or relapse.
That’s the reality that I am dealing with right now, that I am exploring and trying to understand, and wrestling with, and working towards acceptance on.
I’m learning that chasing someone else’s version of normal only adds to the struggle—I’d love to know if you’ve had a similar realization.
What does “normal” mean to you?
In the mess with you,
Samantha
