It took a psych hospital stay for me to see that trying harder was setting my healing back.
Last week I mentioned that I went back into PHP treatment at the beginning of the year. I would go to therapy, I would do group therapy, and I would do my one-on-one sessions. Then I would come home and do more self-help, therapy-related stuff at home, and I was never giving myself a break or time to just rest and be.
I was caught in this focus of wanting to be better, to get better, to heal faster, try harder, and do everything I could do, which is, of course, how I’ve lived most of my life, right? If I just try harder, if I do better, then fill in the blanks: I’ll be accepted, I’ll be loved, whatever.
I was still falling into that trap. It was a constant, frantic, chaotic grasping for that thing that was going to fix me. It got to the point where I ended up in a psych hospital.
I made the decision at that time to focus on self-acceptance and self-compassion instead of “being fixed.” I took the time to put together what I call my Emotional Wellness Plan, a mental health version of a substance abuse relapse prevention plan. I started focusing on the small, non-task related wins.
In embracing this new, gentler version of recovery, I realized that there was still a part of me that was comparing myself to who I was 2 years ago and thinking that somehow I was supposed to be getting back to that place. Right now I have a very sustainable life. I’m taking care of my mental and physical health in a way that doesn’t cause flares and crashes. It looks nothing like my life “before,” but it’s sustainable for my current reality.
I’ve learned that all of this comes down to the practice of self-kindness and self-gentleness: learning to be gentle with myself, learning to be kinder to myself. When I notice that the franticness is coming up or I’m trying to find a magic pill or fix myself, I can gently remind myself that this is a process and a practice, and that I’m doing the best I can with the capacity that I have.
Recently, a friend reached out and wanted to get together for lunch with them and another of our friends. Connection is one of my values and I really wanted to spend time with these people. I looked at my calendar and realized that I had physical therapy, a yoga class at a yoga studio, and a massage all scheduled in that week. The thing that I really struggled with was that I couldn’t do everything that I wanted to do. Eventually, I did end up rescheduling the yoga class to the following week. However, it was a real struggle to get to that point of asking myself the questions: Am I respecting my capacity? Am I looking at all of the information and then making the right decision for myself?
A lot of this kinder, gentler approach to healing is catching the self-talk as it’s happening - the negative messages that I’m telling myself, the self-criticism - and changing the narrative or questioning what I’m thinking. Is this really the truth? Is this the full picture? Is there some information that I’m ignoring?
Listening to my body, paying attention to the signals that my body is sending: am I feeling pain in my shoulders? Am I feeling pain in my low back? Am I having a headache? Do I feel exhausted? Am I struggling with more anxiety attacks and irritability? These are all signals that my body sends when I am overstressing it, when I’m overdoing, when I am trying to overachieve. Learning to listen to these signals and respond to them with kindness and care is another step in learning to separate my productivity from my identity.
Where does “trying harder” sneak into your rest or recovery?
Still figuring it out with you,
Samantha
