Goals, Resolutions and Keeping Promises to Yourself
How to rebuild self-trust without the shame spiral
The idea of New Year’s Resolutions and extreme goal setting has lost it’s shine for me. I know I’m setting myself up for failure - the shame of not “following through.” I tend to set “should” goals instead of “hell yes” goals. I’ve spent more time and energy that I had to spend on trying to fit in, trying to do the “right” things and feel the “right” way. I also struggle with understanding my own limitations, the concept of baby steps, and any sense of time (ADHD Time Blindness is real y’all!).
The result: year after year, bit by bit, I stopped trusting myself.
Let’s talk about what actually causes broken self-trust, and how to rebuild it without adding more shame to the pile.
The Real Reason Your Self-Trust Is Broken
Instant gratification gets all the blame. “You’re too addicted to dopamine.” “You need more self-control.” Cool, thanks, very helpful.
But here’s the thing they’re missing: a lot of us learned to distrust ourselves long before we had smartphones.
When you grow up being told - directly or indirectly - that your thoughts are wrong, your needs are inconvenient, and your instincts can’t be trusted? You internalize that. You learn that you’re the unreliable narrator of your own life.
So yeah, you might reach for your phone when you’re supposed to be working. But that’s often not about lacking discipline - it’s about avoiding the discomfort of trusting yourself to do the thing. (Spoiler alert: avoidance is a completely logical response when you’ve been taught your judgment is faulty.)
Real talk: Before you can rebuild self-trust, you need to acknowledge where it got broken in the first place. And for a lot of us, it wasn’t our fault.
What Actually Rebuilds Self-Trust
The good news? Self-trust can be rebuilt. The additional good news? It’s not through willpower and punishment.
Here’s what actually works:
Start absurdly small. Not “I’ll work out for 30 minutes” small. “I’ll do 2 pushups” small. Make the bar so low you could trip over it. The goal isn’t to achieve something impressive - it’s to prove to yourself that you can do what you say you’ll do. Build that for a month before you even think about increasing.
Goal setting feel shitty? Try exploring little experiments instead. Check out Tiny Experiments by Anne-Laure Le Cunff. Make relearning self trust more fun and less stressful by playing around with short term experiments. This method also helps us to focus on the actions we take (what we can control) instead of the outcomes (what we can’t really control).
Plan for the obstacles. Use the if-then technique: “If I feel like skipping this, then I’ll just put on my gym clothes and do 5 minutes.” You’re not committing to the whole thing - you’re committing to the smallest possible next step. That’s how you check the box without the shame spiral.
Protect your existing promises by saying no. This is huge. Every time you say yes to something you don’t actually want to do, you’re setting yourself up to break a promise. Try this instead: “Let me take a beat and get back to you.” Only commit to the “hell yes” stuff. Everything else is a threat to your self-trust.
One more thing: celebrate the small wins. I’m not talking about buying yourself a car for doing your laundry (though if that’s your vibe, go off). I mean literally saying “nice job, self” when you keep a promise. It feels ridiculous at first. Do it anyway.
Try This:
Self-trust isn’t built through grand gestures. It’s built through tiny promises kept consistently.
Here’s what you can do:
1. Pick one micro-commitment for this week - Something so small it feels almost silly. One sentence in a journal. Two pushups. Respond to one email. That’s it. Don’t add more until you’ve kept this promise for a month.
2. Put a sticky note on your pillow - At night, take 30 seconds to reflect on whether you kept your promise. In the morning, see it again as a reminder. You’re not tracking failure - you’re building awareness. (Free habit tracker templates exist, but honestly? We’re most likely going to stop using them after the first few days.)
3. Practice saying “let me get back to you” - Before you automatically say yes to the next request, pause. Actually think about whether this is a “hell yes” or just a “I feel guilty saying no.” Your self-trust depends on protecting your existing commitments.
This might feel awkward. Your brain might tell you it’s not enough. That’s normal. Not a sign you’re doing it wrong.
What’s one promise you’ve been breaking to yourself? How can you make it smaller and more manageable for rebuilding self-trust?
Hit reply - I read every one.
Figuring it out with you,
Samantha
