Goal Setting When Your Brain Works Differently
Stop Chasing the "Should" Goals
You know that feeling when we get to the end of one year and the start of another and suddenly everyone’s talking about their ambitious goals? Lose 30 pounds. Get promoted. Finally fix your sleep schedule. (Meanwhile you’re just trying to remember to drink water.)
Here’s the thing nobody mentions: Most of the time, those goals aren’t even what the goal setter really wants or needs.
Because if you’re neurodivergent, there’s a good chance you’ve spent your whole life trying to meet expectations that were never designed for how your brain works. And when you set goals based on what you’re “supposed” to want - not what actually matters to you - you’re setting yourself up for that familiar cycle: set goal → struggle → feel like failure → erode self-trust → repeat.
Real talk: That’s not a you problem. That’s a using someone else’s manual problem.
The Outcome Trap (And Why ND Brains Hate It)
Tying your self-worth to outcomes is already rough. But when you’re neurodivergent? It’s especially brutal.
Got passed over for that promotion despite working twice as hard to compensate for your brain? Failure.
Scale didn’t move even though you’re fighting executive dysfunction just to feed yourself consistently? Failure.
Didn’t hit that arbitrary milestone because your demand avoidance or burnout got in the way? You guessed it.
Except none of those things are entirely in your control. You can do everything “right” (by neurotypical standards) and still not get the outcome you want. And when that happens repeatedly - which it does when you’re playing a game rigged for different brains - it doesn’t mean you failed. It means the system was broken from the start.
I’ve been in this cycle myself. Struggling with body image issues (hello, PTSD side effects), watching my mental health tank every time I set goals based on what I thought I was “supposed” to achieve. The number on the scale became proof I was broken. Every unreached milestone confirmed what I’d always suspected about myself.
The Truth: I wasn’t broken. I was measuring the wrong things with the wrong ruler.
What Actually Matters: Actions You Control
Here’s the shift that changed everything: focus on actions, not outcomes.
Eating in a way that makes you feel good? That matters, whether or not you lose weight.
Moving your body in ways you enjoy (and can actually sustain with your energy levels)? Good for your mental health, regardless of what you look like doing it.
Setting boundaries? Valuable even if people get upset.
The process is what you control. The outcome is just... what happens.
When you focus on values-based, action-oriented goals that genuinely add value to your life right now - not because they’ll get you somewhere, but because they make today better - you stop riding the failure rollercoaster. You start building trust with yourself again.
And for those of us who’ve spent years masking, people-pleasing, and trying to fit into boxes that weren’t built for neurodivergent brains? Learning to trust our own needs and preferences is revolutionary.
So What Now?
Here’s what you can actually do:
1. Audit your goals - Write down what you’re “supposed” to achieve this year. Then circle only the ones that are actually yours. Cross out everything that’s someone else’s expectation wearing your handwriting. (Be honest - how many are just “things neurotypical people do”?)
2. Shift to process & curiosity based goals - Instead of “lose 20 pounds,” try “cook one meal I actually enjoy this week.” Instead of “get promoted,” try “learn one thing I’m genuinely curious about.” Work with your dopamine, not against it.
3. Track how you feel, not just what you accomplish - Note when an action makes you feel energized, capable, or peaceful. That’s your compass. Not the scale. Not the performance review. How you actually feel in your actual body.
And if you try this and still feel like you’re failing? That’s old wiring, not truth. Give it time.
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What’s one goal you’ve been chasing that might not actually be yours?
Hit reply - I read every one.
Figuring it out with you,
Samantha
