The hardest part of unmasking for me was being in burnout and realizing that I didn’t have the capacity to mask in any situation. I suddenly didn’t know who I was anymore because I was unable to do all the things that I used to be able to do. I was learning the hard way all of the things that took my energy, because those were all the things that I could not tolerate anymore. From that place, I had to learn to be okay with this new reality, this new set of limitations that I was living through.

Once you get a diagnosis or you’ve reached burnout, you start hearing a lot about masking and the toll it takes. And there’s this idea that since you’ve been masking, you can just take a mask off. Easy-peasy. After all, we’re all familiar with how easy it is to put a Halloween mask on or take it off. It’s like all of a sudden, you’re supposed to just be your authentic self, and accommodate for your needs and all that jazz. That’s not really how unmasking works after a lifetime of living in a masked state.

Unmasking requires time, trust, and personal experimentation to find out what is actually soothing to you: what body movements, textures, smells, etc. are helpful and which are draining your energy. You have to practice once again trusting yourself: rebuilding that trust between your brain and your body so that your body can signal what it needs and you’re going to pay attention.

It also requires open and trusting relationships, because masking generally doesn’t happen in isolation, right? We mask as a response to societal expectations, and then we just continue to practice that masking even when we’re not around other people. In the unmasking process, we need those people we trust that we can unmask in front of and know that they’re still going to love and accept us.

There’s also some risk, as you continue unmasking in your broader relationships, that it’s going to cause issues in those relationships. I’m talking any type of relationship, whether it’s a friendship, a romantic relationship, or a working relationship. You may come to find that the job that you’re doing is causing you to mask all the time, and you need to explore some different career options. You may find that there are people in your life that you care for deeply, but you also need to protect your energy around.

We learn that masking isn’t all bad. It’s always exhausting, but there are benefits to masking in certain situations. We eventually get to determine where we need to rebuild masks to function well in life. The reality is we can’t just go running around willy-nilly with no masks in place at all! We still have to function in professional relationships and environments. We have to communicate effectively, shake hands, make eye contact, etc.

We also have to deal with uncomfortable situations in order to be able to engage in meaningful life activities. For instance, if you have traditionally done brunch with your bestie one Sunday a month, you may have to mask in that environment. It’s loud, there are a lot of smells, and a lot of movement and activity, but it’s worth it because you’re getting to have that brunch with your bestie! The difference as we learn and grow is that we get to choose when we mask and when we don’t.

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Unmasking and re-masking is hard work. It’s okay if you struggle in this area. I still have times where living unmasked is hard, and I have moments where I slip back into masking out of habit. I’m almost a year into this journey and I’m still learning and growing. In part two of this mini-series, I’ll share some of the ways that I show up as my authentic neurodivergent self and hopefully give you some ideas you can use. Look for that to land in two weeks. Next week, we’re wrapping up the pacing series.

What’s one way you’ve unmasked and are showing up as yourself?

Now we get to the meat (or lentils) of the system: how we track our spoons and how we use that information.

Create Your System - Experiment to Find What Works

I mentioned this before: it’s important to realize that no one system is going to work for every person. It may be possible that a system that works for you now may not work for you 6 months from now. That’s just the way that our brains operate, and it’s okay for us to shift and adapt as we need to.

How I personally track my spoons is in a paper daily planner. I list out my meetings, my tasks, and then, as I complete each task, I put the number of spoons it costs me next to it. I’ve made stickers for things that I track every day, like my meal prep and how many spoons that costs, my morning routine, etc. That way, I’m not rewriting them daily.

Other ideas in the analog realm could be a weekly planner or using just a simple notebook, kind of like a bullet journal. If you’d rather go digital I suggest starting with the tools you already use. I used to use ClickUp to track all of my tasks. It was particularly helpful for me when I was working full time and was tracking projects. I did attempt to add a field in there for spoons so that I could use it for tracking. I found this didn’t work for me because I didn’t want to have to pop open my computer every single time I accomplished a task. For people who spend the majority of their day already on their computers, this could be a very functional way of doing it: taking a task tracking software that you already use and figuring out a way to convert it to track your spoons.

Warning - don’t get so wrapped up in building the perfect system that you never actually use the system. I may be talking to myself there too...

Track Everything

We need to count everything as much as we’re able to. I track my morning routine, which includes washing my face, brushing my teeth, and pretty simple daily tasks. For me, they can be very difficult and hard to do consistently. I track those. I track how much energy I spend preparing my meals for breakfast, lunch, and dinner - even if it’s just reheating leftovers. Even when I’m not doing a full-on meal prep, I am expending physical energy and sometimes mental energy because decision-making can be costly.

On the other hand, I’m a parent and parenting costs spoons but I don’t track them every day. I could. Some may say I should. But I only track it if it’s been a particularly rough day. Because my son is a teen and relatively self-sufficient, I can get away with not tracking this daily, but for those with babies and toddlers, I would suggest tracking that shit. Same concept applies to all tasks we complete regularly that are just acts of daily living. Track them where it makes sense, if they’re a significant energy load, but don’t fall into the perfection trap. The important thing is to create your system as one that you will use.

Find Your Baseline

Another thing to keep in mind as you experiment with a tracking system that works for you: you need to be able to easily go back and reference this information because it will help you understand your energy better. This helps in determining your baseline. Our baseline is the average number of spoons we spend daily, which gives us an idea of how many spoons we have to use. My first baseline was tracked over two weeks and included two days where I absolutely overdid. It was an inflated value. However, because I can easily refer back to my spoons totals, I can recalculate my baseline at the end of every week if I want to - and change the range of values I use to calculate the baseline (2 weeks, a month, 6 weeks, etc.). You don’t have to update your baseline weekly, but I do recommend recalculating your baseline at least quarterly. The number can change based on lifestyle changes, hormonal changes, the impact of any therapy or treatment you’re receiving, medication changes, etc.

Perceived Daily Allowance - What You Need to Know

Going back to reference your past spoon patterns is also where we get into perceived daily allowance and reducing flares and crashes. Your perceived daily allowance is the level of energy you feel like you have first thing in the morning. It’s 100% subjective, but it’s your body. You get to determine what you feel like your energy for the day looks like. I count mine on six levels, ranging from very low to very high. Most of my good days sit between medium-high and high, and my logged spoons for those days are between 80%-100% of my current baseline. So I know that if I wake up in the morning and think that the day is a medium-high day, I should limit myself to 80-90% of my baseline spoons to avoid overdoing and risking a flare. I can look back at days where I completely overdid and also see where, 24-48 hours later, I crash. The numbers show the pattern.

What a Day of Tracking Looks Like for Me

I start my morning by assessing what my perceived daily allowance is. Let’s say, in this example, I’ve decided that my perceived daily allowance is medium-high, which means 80% to 90% of my baseline spoons.

Then I determine what tasks and projects need to get done for the day and prioritize those, keeping in mind that I’m only going to have a certain number of spoons for that day. I make a list of what I think I can accomplish in the day. This gets placed in my paper planner, either as meetings at specific times or to-do items that I can do at any point in the day.

I can use the information on how many spoons certain things cost me in the past to determine how many things I can realistically get done. Here’s the thing: I don’t track the spoons for what I’ve planned for my day until I’ve accomplished that task, because some days, as we discussed in one of the previous posts, a task may take only 1 spoon, other days it could take 3. It just depends.

At the end of the day, I total up my spoons and log them so that I can keep tracking my baseline.

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Your baseline is a number. It’s a reference point, information for you to use to have the most successful day possible. It’s not a measuring stick. It’s not a target. It’s a tool. To create your system, pick one resource you already have (notebook, task tracking system, etc.), track for a week, count what you can, and get a rough idea of your baseline. Don’t make it overcomplicated! Just start, and you can iterate and refine your system as you go.

What’s one thing that you do every day that you’ve never given yourself credit for?

The how of tracking spoons or energy, for me, breaks down into two sections:

• The things that we need to keep in mind about what impacts our spoons.

• And the more practical: how do you track your spoons, and how do you use that information. Basically, it’s the systems and the benefits.

Today we’re going to talk about the first, and next week we’ll address systems and benefits.

Follow Your Energy

Last week I was supposed to be focused on my yoga teacher training. Keep in mind, it is a self-paced course, so the deadlines are self-imposed. That was what I was supposed to be focusing on, but then I had an opportunity to re-engineer the system that I use to track my progress on tasks and projects. I love a system, and I especially love making a system more efficient, so that’s where my energy was focused.

Had I tried to resist the pull of what I truly wanted to be doing (which was going to be of benefit to future me) and force myself to watch yoga teacher training videos and work on that certification, it would have ended up costing me even more spoons to watch those videos than it would have otherwise. I was also going to be paying spoons for the energy of resisting doing what I actually wanted to do. If you’re neurodivergent, you know what it’s like to try to force yourself to do one thing when what your brain really wants to do is another.

We have to follow where our interests and energy are leading us as much as we are able to. Now, there are definitely cases where that’s not possible - at work, or if we have certain social obligations, etc. But over the course of a week, looking at what we need to accomplish, as much as we are able to, we can arrange tasks, projects, and responsibilities in such a way that we’re able to complete these things with the least resistance possible.

Natural Energy Fluctuations

Everyone experiences natural energy fluctuations. They can be the result of changes in the weather, lack of proper hydration, lack of proper nutrients or quality sleep... the list goes on and on. In addition to these fluctuations everyone experiences, if you were assigned female at birth, you will experience potentially more severe fluctuations throughout your cycle.

These fluctuations mean that a task could take 1 spoon one day and 3 spoons the next, just depending on what kind of energy fluctuation you’re experiencing. This isn’t something that we can factor into our pacing planning in advance. It’s a variable we need to be aware of so it doesn’t knock us on our asses.

Different Types of Energy

For me, there are physical spoons, mental spoons, and emotional spoons, and for each of us, some of those spoons may cost more. For instance, physical spoons are going to lead me into burnout more quickly than mental spoons are. Emotional spoons can kind of go either way, and those different types of spoons are not necessarily interchangeable. My body may be hurting, but I still have a handful of mental spoons in my drawer. This means I can work on something on my computer, but I’m definitely not getting the dishes done because that requires standing.

Understanding your spoons, what they feel like, and how they can be used is an important part of creating your pacing system. Knowing which spoons run out quicker can make a significant difference in how you plan your weeks and days.

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The point of understanding your spoons and how they work is not so that you can try harder. It’s not even necessarily so you can get more done. It is a tool we use to honor our body where it’s at and to help prevent flares, crashes, and burnout. Basically, it’s about sustainability. One thing you can try this week is to notice which kind of spoons run out for you first. Which spoons are your most precious? Next week, we’ll explore some more of the how side of things, the practical items like finding your baseline and perceived daily allowance & how I track my spoons and some other tracking ideas that may be helpful in creating your own system.

Which kind of spoon runs out first for you — physical, mental, or emotional?

Let’s Start With the Why

I first learned about pacing through a therapist who mentioned the Spoons Theory. The spoons theory (created by Christine Miserandino attempting to explain living with chronic illness) says that we wake up with a set number of spoons every day, and every task that we complete costs us a certain number of spoons. When we’re out of spoons, we’re basically done for the day. Some of us wake up in the morning with far fewer spoons than other people do. That’s just a fact of the life that we live.

Now, if spoons aren’t your thing, in my research, I did hear about fuck bucks (same concept): you wake up with a certain number of fuck bucks for any given day, and once you’ve given all your fucks away, you have none left to give.

Two of the main purposes of a pacing system are to stop the boom and bust cycle that we can experience, and also to provide a practical, tangible way to start healing internalized ableism.

If you’re not familiar, the boom and bust cycle is that cycle that occurs when we have a good day and we’re feeling pretty good. We figure we need to do everything that we didn’t get done on those days when we weren’t feeling particularly great, and we overdo so much that we end up crashing and having a long series of rough days. We finally feel good again and once again try to “catch up” and end up crashing again.

It’s important to note that, for a lot of people, that crash doesn’t occur until about 2 days after they have overextended themselves. Sometimes it’s really hard to put those two pieces together because we overdid on a Monday, Tuesday maybe we were fine, and Wednesday we crash. It’s hard to connect cause and effect.

Internalized ableism is that small voice inside of us that says that we “should” be able to do something. We “should” be able to clean our house top to bottom. We “should” be able to work an 8-hour day and then go to our kids’ concert without any ill effects. We “should” be able to do all of these things that other people who are not neurodivergent or who are not dealing with a mental illness are able to do.

Tracking our energy allows us to instead look the reality of our current circumstances, rather than comparing ourselves to others and deciding we’re failing. I’m sure I’m not the only one that gets to the end of the day and fails to realize I accomplished a lot that day. Or gets to the end of the day and fails to realize that, even though I didn’t accomplish much productivity-wise, I did regulate my emotions while in severe pain.

Pacing helps us be intentional about checking in with our body and determining how many spoons or energy units we’re using on a task, and then budget that according to our baseline or perceived daily allowance. We’ll go into these concepts of baseline and perceived daily allowance in more detail when we get to the how next week.

If you have a pacing system that works for you, please share it below so that our other readers can get ideas. Also, if you have specific questions about pacing, throw those in the comments below as well. I would love to have your feedback on what specifically you’re needing in your life!

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Resources

Neurodivergent Insights - Dr Megan Anna Neff wrote a book that I founds extremely helpful called The Autistic Burnout Workbook - highly recommend. She’s also here on Substack (the link above) and has a great podcast linked below.

Divergent Conversations - A podcast featuring Patrick Casale and Dr Megan Anna Neff - both of whom are neurodivergent. The podcast has so much information about living with neurodivergence and it’s fun to listen to. Linked above, but you can also find it on Spotify, etc.

Is this really a problem?

Is this really a problem, or is this something that I think is a problem because of past trauma or nervous system dysregulation? Like a lot of people who’ve experienced trauma in childhood, I have core beliefs that are inaccurate. I no longer live in the same circumstances that I lived in as a child, yet my brain still operates as if I do.

Recently, I had boxes of stuff in my front room and my mom and sister were coming to visit. I was stressing out about it and thinking that I needed to get it taken care of immediately, before they came to visit. But when I stop and ask, “Is this really a problem?” I realize, “No, this is not a problem.”

My mom and my sister understand that I am going through some mental health struggles right now. They understand that I have very limited capacity, and honestly, they don’t care about the boxes in my front room. They’re coming to visit me. They’re not coming to visit my house.

This question helped me recognize the path my brain takes subconsciously: past trauma led to the belief that incomplete tasks are a failure, and that the failure leads to punishment, rejection, or withdrawal of love which is a problem. Having that unrecognized underlying operating system, led me to believe that the boxes were a problem when, in reality (the current circumstance I live in), it’s not a problem at all.

What is the story I’m telling myself?

This technique helps us to stop and ask ourselves what coping mechanisms from our past are being applied. This is important is because the coping mechanisms we used to survive in the past generally aren’t the most sophisticated or helpful. As soon as we pull it out and look at it from a slight distance, when we say, “Oh, the story I’m telling myself about this situation is XYZ,” we create a little bit of distance. Distance allows us to look at the story without the emotions attached, which helps us to recognize that it may not be the best or truest interpretation of the current situation. It allows us to be more objective in our assessment.

Let’s look at the story I tell myself about not being able to work. As a child, productivity, contributing, and being helpful were the coping mechanisms I used to create a sense of love and safety. Now, I have a disability, and the story I’m telling myself is that I have no value or worth because I’m not working, I’m not contributing, and I have very limited capacity for being helpful. This leads to a fear of abandonment and the fear that no one will love or accept me.

When I look at it from a distance, I see that working and my ability to contribute a paycheck is not my identity. My identity is my character, my values, my personality, and those things have not changed just because I have a disability. My husband, friends and family don’t love me because I bring home a paycheck. They love me because of who I am. I can also reflect on why I love the people in my life and reaffirm that none of these reasons have to do with their ability to clear a To Do list. The story that I’m telling myself is a lie.

What does my body need from me right now?

Also, what is my body asking for or what is my body telling me to do?

This questions helps us engage in the somatic practice of listening to what our body needs in any given situation. Sometimes our body is telling us that we need to push away. Sometimes our body is telling us we need to walk away. Sometimes our body is telling us that we need to feel safe and enclosed.

Our body asks for different things in different situations when we’re feeling dysregulated, and in these situations, we can’t think ourselves out of a physical response. Fight or flight, freeze, etc are all reactions that require a physical completion of the stress cycle. Not completing the cycle causes our nervous system to stay in a state of activation which has a negative impact on our mental and physical health.

One time, I saw something disturbing, and what my body was telling me to do was to push it or throw it away. I can complete that stress cycle by going up to a wall and pushing the wall away. I’m giving my body the physical sensation of what it needs by pushing. In theory, I could also have chosen to throw something. Going outside and throwing ice against a wall would be a safe and effective way of allowing my body the sensation it needs.

While these questions can be used in any circumstance and any combination, these are the circumstances that I’ve found them to be helpful:

• “Is this really a problem?” is generally a question that I ask myself when I am rushing to take action and I need to determine if action is truly necessary. The emotion or sensation that I feel when I realize I need to ask this question is franticness, an overwhelming urge to do something where the action doesn’t feel like it aligns with my needs and values.

• “What is the story I’m telling myself?” is the question I ask when I’m feeling a lot of mental and emotional dissonance and dysregulation around a circumstance, and it keeps coming up over and over again. The emotions or sensations that prompt this question are fear, and ruminating or racing thoughts.

• “What is my body asking for?” is a question that I ask myself in situations where I am feeling emotions in my body somatically in a way that is overwhelming and uncomfortable. This question helps me to slow down and connect with my body to determine it’s needs in the moment.

Being gentler with yourself does not mean avoiding reality or pretending hard things are easy. It means meeting yourself with enough honesty, curiosity, and compassion to respond to what is actually happening instead of what fear, trauma, or overwhelm tells you is happening. If you want to try this practice, start small. The next time you feel frantic, ashamed, or overwhelmed, pause and ask yourself just one of these questions. You do not have to fix everything in that moment. You only have to listen closely enough to respond with a little more kindness than usual.

If this resonates with you, I’d love for you to subscribe, stay awhile, and continue this journey with me.

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You’re also welcome to share this post with someone who may need a little more understanding, language, or hope in their own mental health journey.

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Generally, I designed this Substack to be a safe space for people who are living as neurodivergent people in a neurotypical world. I think that the mental health aspect becomes a huge part of it, because trying to live in and navigate a world that our brains were not made to fit in does impact our mental health.

Studies have shown people who were born neurodivergent experience rejection, bullying, microaggressions, et cetera, that can lead to Complex PTSD if they don’t have safe, understanding, supportive parents and resources available to them to help them to navigate the world as children.

Additionally, the stress and the strain of the labels that we put on ourselves and the labels that others attach to us throughout our childhood and our adulthood continue to impact our mental health as adults.

Because I am passionate about both mental health and neurodiversity, I feel it’s important that I be transparent about my journey and my experiences. However, I want to format it in a way that will be helpful to my readers, that will provide you with resources, starting points for your own research or journey, and tools to support you in your mental health journeys.

What does this look like? It looks like full transparency about my diagnoses and my experiences within those diagnoses, while understanding that my experience is different from anybody else’s experience. We’re all unique, and our experiences of trauma and ableism are different from person to person. In the same way, our experiences of various mental health diagnoses are also different from person to person because we’re each unique individuals.

This also looks like sharing with you tools that have worked for me and tools that have not worked for me, because what works for me may not work for you, and what works for you may be different from what works for me. It also looks like me being honest: if I’m sharing something that works for me now, but then a month from now I realize it’s not working any longer, I want to share that too.

You’re going to experience those times too, where something seems to be working and then all of a sudden it breaks, and that can be very discouraging and disheartening and frustrating. And I want to share that you’re not alone in those experiences. Sometimes, tools work only for a season and that’s okay.

I’ll also be sharing what I’m learning about different therapy modalities, because I know that I entered into the journey of addressing my PTSD thinking that talk therapy was the only thing available. I have since learned that there are so many different modalities that can be so incredibly helpful, and that we don’t have to lock into just one. We can work with therapists and treatment facilities to learn about multiple different modalities so that we can pick and choose what works for us as individuals.

I can’t promise the most consistent posting schedule, and I say that because I’m still navigating my own capacity as limited as it is. There are days and weeks where surviving and “just making through” is all that I have the capacity for, all that I have the energy for.

Then there are some weeks where I’m experiencing higher energy days and more hopefulness and positivity and creativity. On those weeks, I hope that I will be posting for you and sharing resources and printables and all of those types of things.

But I want to be transparent that every day, every week does not look the same for me, and there will be times when I am just unable to post. I hope that you will stick with me through it, understanding that I will be back.

If this resonates with you, I’d love for you to subscribe, stay awhile, and walk this journey with me.

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You’re also welcome to share this post with someone who may need a little more understanding, language, or hope in their own mental health journey.

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The result: year after year, bit by bit, I stopped trusting myself.

Let’s talk about what actually causes broken self-trust, and how to rebuild it without adding more shame to the pile.

The Real Reason Your Self-Trust Is Broken

Instant gratification gets all the blame. “You’re too addicted to dopamine.” “You need more self-control.” Cool, thanks, very helpful.

But here’s the thing they’re missing: a lot of us learned to distrust ourselves long before we had smartphones.

When you grow up being told - directly or indirectly - that your thoughts are wrong, your needs are inconvenient, and your instincts can’t be trusted? You internalize that. You learn that you’re the unreliable narrator of your own life.

So yeah, you might reach for your phone when you’re supposed to be working. But that’s often not about lacking discipline - it’s about avoiding the discomfort of trusting yourself to do the thing. (Spoiler alert: avoidance is a completely logical response when you’ve been taught your judgment is faulty.)

Real talk: Before you can rebuild self-trust, you need to acknowledge where it got broken in the first place. And for a lot of us, it wasn’t our fault.

What Actually Rebuilds Self-Trust

The good news? Self-trust can be rebuilt. The additional good news? It’s not through willpower and punishment.

Here’s what actually works:

Start absurdly small. Not “I’ll work out for 30 minutes” small. “I’ll do 2 pushups” small. Make the bar so low you could trip over it. The goal isn’t to achieve something impressive - it’s to prove to yourself that you can do what you say you’ll do. Build that for a month before you even think about increasing.

Goal setting feel shitty? Try exploring little experiments instead. Check out Tiny Experiments by Anne-Laure Le Cunff. Make relearning self trust more fun and less stressful by playing around with short term experiments. This method also helps us to focus on the actions we take (what we can control) instead of the outcomes (what we can’t really control).

Plan for the obstacles. Use the if-then technique: “If I feel like skipping this, then I’ll just put on my gym clothes and do 5 minutes.” You’re not committing to the whole thing - you’re committing to the smallest possible next step. That’s how you check the box without the shame spiral.

Protect your existing promises by saying no. This is huge. Every time you say yes to something you don’t actually want to do, you’re setting yourself up to break a promise. Try this instead: “Let me take a beat and get back to you.” Only commit to the “hell yes” stuff. Everything else is a threat to your self-trust.

One more thing: celebrate the small wins. I’m not talking about buying yourself a car for doing your laundry (though if that’s your vibe, go off). I mean literally saying “nice job, self” when you keep a promise. It feels ridiculous at first. Do it anyway.

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Try This:

Self-trust isn’t built through grand gestures. It’s built through tiny promises kept consistently.

Here’s what you can do:

​1. Pick one micro-commitment for this week - Something so small it feels almost silly. One sentence in a journal. Two pushups. Respond to one email. That’s it. Don’t add more until you’ve kept this promise for a month.

​2. Put a sticky note on your pillow - At night, take 30 seconds to reflect on whether you kept your promise. In the morning, see it again as a reminder. You’re not tracking failure - you’re building awareness. (Free habit tracker templates exist, but honestly? We’re most likely going to stop using them after the first few days.)

​3. Practice saying “let me get back to you” - Before you automatically say yes to the next request, pause. Actually think about whether this is a “hell yes” or just a “I feel guilty saying no.” Your self-trust depends on protecting your existing commitments.

This might feel awkward. Your brain might tell you it’s not enough. That’s normal. Not a sign you’re doing it wrong.

What’s one promise you’ve been breaking to yourself? How can you make it smaller and more manageable for rebuilding self-trust?

Hit reply - I read every one.

Figuring it out with you,

Samantha

Here’s the Ish: You don’t actually need anyone’s permission. But sometimes knowing you’re not the only one who has these needs helps quiet the guilt. So below are the permission slips nobody gave us - the ones that might make your holidays slightly less of a shitshow.

Permission to say ‘no’ to hugs To moms, aunts, grandmas, uncles, cousins, in-laws, family friends who've "known you since you were this big" — all of them. You don't owe anyone access to your body, and you can start enforcing that boundary today even if you never have before. "I'm not a hugger" requires no further explanation.

Permission to skip it entirely You’re not legally required to attend anything. Not Christmas. Not the office party. Not your cousin’s ugly sweater potluck. “I’m not coming this year” doesn’t require a justification, a doctor’s note, or a tragedy. Sometimes the most radical act of self-care is just... not showing up.

Permission to leave early You don’t have to stay until the end. You don’t have to wait for dessert, the gift exchange, or Uncle Dave’s third bourbon-fueled political rant. Set your exit time before you arrive. When it’s time, go. You came - that was the gift.

Permission to sit in the car Before you go in. During the party. After you’ve hit your limit. The car is a perfectly valid decompression chamber. Sit there and scroll your phone, cry, stare at nothing, or blast music that would horrify your grandmother. The car is neutral territory.

Permission to hide in the bathroom Or the bedroom. Or the backyard. Or anywhere you can get five goddamn minutes without someone asking why you’re being so quiet. Strategic disappearing is a survival skill, not rudeness.

Permission to wear what’s actually comfortable Fuck the itchy sweater. Fuck the “nice pants.” Fuck the shoes that hurt after twenty minutes. If you need soft fabrics, elastic waistbands, and layers you can remove when you start overheating from social stress, wear them. No outfit is worth a sensory meltdown.

Permission to eat weird Eat before you go. Bring your own safe food. Skip the dishes that make you gag. Eat only the rolls. Eat nothing at all. Your relationship with food during high-stress events is your own business. The food police can choke on their green bean casserole.

Permission to not drink (or to drink) You don’t owe anyone an explanation for either choice. “No thanks” is complete. So is “yes please, and keep them coming.” Whatever gets you through.

Permission to bring your own car Even if it’s “silly” to take two cars. Even if someone offers to pick you up. Having an escape route isn’t paranoid - it’s strategic. You cannot leave when you need to if you’re trapped.

Permission to have a signal with your partner/friend/ally A code word. A hand gesture. A specific text. Whatever means “I’m done, get me out of this conversation” or “we need to leave in the next ten minutes.” Solidarity pacts are essential.

Permission to not explain your diagnosis You don’t have to come out as neurodivergent at the dinner table. You don’t have to educate your family. You don’t have to justify your accommodations to people who will respond with “everyone’s a little ADHD” or “you seem fine to me.” Pearls before swine, etc.

Permission to refuse the interrogation “So what are you up to these days?” “Are you seeing anyone?” “When are you having kids?” “What happened to that job?” You can deflect, redirect, give a non-answer, or straight up say “I’m not talking about that.” Your life is not a performance for relatives who only see you twice a year.

Permission to not perform happiness You don’t have to smile constantly. You don’t have to be “on.” You don’t have to pretend you’re having a great time when you’re overstimulated, exhausted, or quietly dissociating. Your face is allowed to match how you actually feel.

Permission to opt out of gift culture The shopping. The wrapping. The forced reciprocity. The anxiety of getting it “right.” You can bow out. You can set spending limits. You can suggest no gifts. You can give the same thing to everyone. You can give nothing at all and let people deal with their feelings about it.

Permission to do the holidays YOUR way Stay home in your pajamas. Volunteer somewhere. Go to a movie alone. Ignore it completely. Create new traditions that don’t make you want to disappear. The “right” way to do holidays is whatever doesn’t wreck you.

Permission to recover afterward Block off the day after. The week after. However long you need. Don’t schedule anything. Don’t expect productivity. Let yourself be a potato. You just survived something your nervous system experienced as a marathon. Rest isn’t optional - it’s mandatory.

Permission to feel however you feel about your family Love them and dread seeing them. Miss the family you wish you had. Feel relief when it’s over. Feel grief for what the holidays “should” be. Feel nothing at all. All of it’s valid. Complicated feelings about family aren’t a character flaw - they’re just... reality.

Permission to protect your peace over keeping the peace You don’t have to absorb someone else’s shitty comments to avoid “ruining the holiday.” You don’t have to be the bigger person every time. You’re allowed to have limits, and you’re allowed to enforce them - even if it makes things “awkward.” Awkward is survivable. Betraying yourself isn’t.

You're not alone in needing these permissions. And you're not broken for struggling with things that seem "easy" for everyone else. If any of these resonated, screenshot them, save them, share them with someone who needs to hear it. We're all just out here trying to survive the season without completely losing ourselves in the process.

Figuring it out with you,

Samantha

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Sometimes my anxiety level goes from “normal” to “oh my god I want to rip my own skin off” in the blink of an eye. When that happens, “just breathe” just isn’t going to get the job done.

Here are some techniques that actually help me regulate in the moment.

Say what you’re feeling out loud. Yes, to yourself. Alone.

One time I was driving to therapy and a large rock flew up from a truck and slammed into my windshield. The sound was deafening. I was already barely holding it together - this was during intensive outpatient treatment for my mental health - so I was not in a good place to begin with.

When that rock hit, I literally yelled, “FUCK, that was scary!”

And something surprising happened. Just verbalizing it - acknowledging out loud that yes, that was terrifying - helped me avoid completely spiraling. I didn’t get triggered into full hyperarousal. I didn’t dissociate. I just... stayed present.

Real talk: Sometimes just saying what you’re feeling out loud is incredibly regulating, even when you’re talking to yourself. It’s self-validation in real time.

Let yourself verbalize your feelings with the true emotion behind them. As angry as you need to. As loud as you need to. As quiet as you need to. Whatever fits the emotion you’re actually experiencing. (Not the emotion you think you “should” be experiencing.)

Stand up and sway. Not for fun - for bilateral input.

If you’ve ever cared for a baby, you know the instinct to rock back and forth when they’re crying. Parents do it automatically - you’ll catch yourself swaying in the grocery store line even when the baby isn’t with you.

There’s a reason for that. Bilateral stimulation - the back-and-forth movement - is incredibly soothing to the nervous system. And it works for adults too.

This calms my system faster than scrolling ever has.

You can do it anywhere. Standing, seated (important for driving, working, or if standing isn’t accessible), or even with tiny micro-sways nobody notices.

I use a mini trampoline at my standing desk, which turns regulation into something playful that my ADHD brain actually wants to do. The softer surface also helps because I struggle with bodily sensations from movement - past trauma plus autism means I’m pretty sensory avoidant. A lot of us are.

Use ice. Like, actually hold it in your hands.

For me, ice has been shockingly effective (pun intended) when I’m starting to spiral into anxiety.

When I’m anxious, I also feel flushed and overheated. So the combination of focusing very mindfully on how cold the ice is and the ice literally bringing down my body temperature signals safety to my nervous system.

I hold ice cubes in my hands. Sometimes I rub them on the back of my neck. If I’m out and don’t have access to ice, I’ll put my hands on the metal parts of the refrigerated section at the grocery store. (Yes, I look weird. No, I don’t care anymore.)

Here’s why: The cold shock interrupts the anxiety spiral and gives your brain something else to focus on.

Other ways people use ice for regulation:

• Take ice cubes outside and throw them - watch them shatter

• Do a face ice bath - bowl of ice water, submerge your face for a few seconds (this triggers the dive reflex that literally slows your heart rate. You can also do this “diving” motion even without the ice water and it will have a similar effect.)

• Cold showers or baths if you have access and if showering itself isn’t triggering for you

Ice is free. It’s accessible. And it works fast.

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Try This:

Regulation doesn’t have to look peaceful. Sometimes it looks like yelling in your car, swaying like a parent with no baby, or standing at the freezer holding ice cubes.

• ​Next time you feel a big emotion, name it out loud - Even if you’re alone. Even if it feels weird. “That was scary.” “I’m so angry right now.” “This is overwhelming.” Let yourself hear your own validation.

• Add bilateral movement to moments you’re already standing - Brushing your teeth. Waiting for coffee to brew. On a phone call. Just gentle side-to-side rocking. Notice if your body softens even a little.

• Keep ice accessible - Freeze some cubes. When anxiety hits and you feel hot and activated, grab one. Hold it. Let it be uncomfortable. That’s the point - it interrupts the spiral.

Your nervous system doesn’t care about aesthetics. It cares about feeling safe.

What’s your go-to regulation technique that doesn’t look “calm” from the outside?

Hit reply - I read every one.

Figuring it out with you,

Samantha

• What I’m realizing: The life I want isn’t waiting for me at some imaginary finish line. I need to stop sprinting toward “there” and start actually living here.

• What actually happened: I keep catching myself in this pattern: work harder, do more, burn out, quit, feel like a failure, repeat. This week I finally articulated why that doesn’t work: I’m making myself miserable now trying to get to some future place where I’m supposedly going to be happy. But that’s a lie. The better version is building a life I want to live *right now* while making tiny improvements, and letting that be enough.

• What might help you: Ask yourself: “Am I building a life I want to live, or am I punishing myself until I ‘deserve’ to live it?” If you’re waiting to be happy/balanced/calm until you’ve “made it,” you’re going to be waiting forever. What’s one thing that would make today feel more like the life you actually want? Start there.

• Why this matters: You can’t hate yourself into a version of yourself you love. Neither can I. Contentment in the present while moving forward beats grinding yourself into burnout every single time.

SPIRITUALITY *(Finding Meaning When Everything Feels Pointless)*

• What I’m questioning: Does painting count as spiritual practice if it’s not explicitly about God?

• What actually happened: I painted one morning for 20 minutes. No worship music, no Bible, no “God layer” on top. Just me, paint, and silence. And it set the tone for my entire day—I felt centered, regulated, calm. It was meditative in a way that didn’t require sitting still or clearing my mind or any of the things traditional meditation demands. So now I’m wondering: does something have to be explicitly religious to be spiritual? Or is the act of regulating my nervous system, starting my day from a calm place, and showing up as the person I want to be *already* an act of worship?

• What might help you: If traditional spiritual practices don’t work for your brain, give yourself permission to try something else. Painting, walking, gardening, cooking, movement—anything that helps you feel grounded and connected. You don’t have to force a “God layer” on it to make it count. Maybe the sacredness is in the care itself.

• Why this matters: Maybe spirituality for neurodivergent people often doesn’t look like what we were taught it should - I’m still exploring this idea. And if it doesn’t, that doesn’t make it less valid. (Also, silence is allowed to be part of your practice. Not everything has to be productive or loud or explicitly labeled.)

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Just a quick post to remind me that I don’t have to have it all figured out immediately. I’m doing a great job just by putting in the effort, trying, and learning. And to remind all of you that we’re all building this as we go.

Samantha

What are YOU sitting with this week? Hit reply and tell me—I read everything.

The wins in the situation were:

• that I recognized as I was having the feelings and the thoughts that they were directly tied to past trauma. So the way that I was reacting and responding to the current situation was compounded by stuff from the past.

• that I got up, I walked away from my desk, I took the medication I needed to take, I rested, and I just concentrated on taking care of myself and respecting my body’s needs in that moment instead of trying to force myself to continue working and to just continue trying to deny or shove down the physical and emotional experience that I was having. I acknowledged the feelings I was having. This is a HUGE win for me.

I struggled last night a lot with grief around having had so many past experiences that I could respond so strongly to what is, in fact, a very normal work situation - where you feel like you’re not being heard or it seems like people are asking you to do more work with fewer resources. I mean, I think that’s a pretty typical experience that most people encounter, but my history is such that it felt like I was in danger. I feel a lot of grief around that.

I’m definitely trying to navigate the feelings of “I just want to be normal! Why can’t I be normal?” And it all comes back to understanding that:

• I’m not sure that there is any such thing as normal

• For somebody with a neurodiverse brain and somebody whose neurodiversity also includes PTSD, this is normal

This is normal, and it’s part of the ongoing process and the ongoing work of accepting that this is how my brain and my body work. I have seen improvement, and I will continue to see improvement and healing, but it’s not a fast process, it’s not an overnight process, and it’s a work that’s probably never going to be done.

I think that recovering from mental health and PTSD struggles is no different than recovering from a substance addiction. The work is never done; every day we have to make the choice to continue moving forward in our progress, in our process, and in our healing and recovery. Or we’re going to backslide or relapse.

That’s the reality that I am dealing with right now, that I am exploring and trying to understand, and wrestling with, and working towards acceptance on.

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I’m learning that chasing someone else’s version of normal only adds to the struggle—I’d love to know if you’ve had a similar realization.

What does “normal” mean to you?

In the mess with you,

Samantha

Here’s the thing nobody mentions: Most of the time, those goals aren’t even what the goal setter really wants or needs.

Because if you’re neurodivergent, there’s a good chance you’ve spent your whole life trying to meet expectations that were never designed for how your brain works. And when you set goals based on what you’re “supposed” to want - not what actually matters to you - you’re setting yourself up for that familiar cycle: set goal → struggle → feel like failure → erode self-trust → repeat.

Real talk: That’s not a you problem. That’s a using someone else’s manual problem.

The Outcome Trap (And Why ND Brains Hate It)

Tying your self-worth to outcomes is already rough. But when you’re neurodivergent? It’s especially brutal.

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• Got passed over for that promotion despite working twice as hard to compensate for your brain? Failure.

• Scale didn’t move even though you’re fighting executive dysfunction just to feed yourself consistently? Failure.

• Didn’t hit that arbitrary milestone because your demand avoidance or burnout got in the way? You guessed it.

Except none of those things are entirely in your control. You can do everything “right” (by neurotypical standards) and still not get the outcome you want. And when that happens repeatedly - which it does when you’re playing a game rigged for different brains - it doesn’t mean you failed. It means the system was broken from the start.

I’ve been in this cycle myself. Struggling with body image issues (hello, PTSD side effects), watching my mental health tank every time I set goals based on what I thought I was “supposed” to achieve. The number on the scale became proof I was broken. Every unreached milestone confirmed what I’d always suspected about myself.

The Truth: I wasn’t broken. I was measuring the wrong things with the wrong ruler.

What Actually Matters: Actions You Control

Here’s the shift that changed everything: focus on actions, not outcomes.

• Eating in a way that makes you feel good? That matters, whether or not you lose weight.

• Moving your body in ways you enjoy (and can actually sustain with your energy levels)? Good for your mental health, regardless of what you look like doing it.

• Setting boundaries? Valuable even if people get upset.

The process is what you control. The outcome is just... what happens.

When you focus on values-based, action-oriented goals that genuinely add value to your life right now - not because they’ll get you somewhere, but because they make today better - you stop riding the failure rollercoaster. You start building trust with yourself again.

And for those of us who’ve spent years masking, people-pleasing, and trying to fit into boxes that weren’t built for neurodivergent brains? Learning to trust our own needs and preferences is revolutionary.

So What Now?

Here’s what you can actually do:

• ​1. Audit your goals - Write down what you’re “supposed” to achieve this year. Then circle only the ones that are actually yours. Cross out everything that’s someone else’s expectation wearing your handwriting. (Be honest - how many are just “things neurotypical people do”?)

• ​2. Shift to process & curiosity based goals - Instead of “lose 20 pounds,” try “cook one meal I actually enjoy this week.” Instead of “get promoted,” try “learn one thing I’m genuinely curious about.” Work with your dopamine, not against it.

• ​3. Track how you feel, not just what you accomplish - Note when an action makes you feel energized, capable, or peaceful. That’s your compass. Not the scale. Not the performance review. How you actually feel in your actual body.

And if you try this and still feel like you’re failing? That’s old wiring, not truth. Give it time.

---

What’s one goal you’ve been chasing that might not actually be yours?

Hit reply - I read every one.

Figuring it out with you,

Samantha

Typical shitty internal messages include “I just want to be ‘normal’” and “why haven’t I been fixed yet?”

When I’m not struggling with my depression or anxiety, I put it in my Denial Box and chose to believe that I am ‘fixed’ and the symptoms are never coming back. Sweet Baby Yoda that causes even more upset when the cycle comes back around because then I’m also adding the disappointment of unmet expectations to the simmering cauldron of ick.

So what can you and I do to avoid this frustrating cycle of allowing our own brains to beat us up?

We can start by changing how we talk to ourselves—and that starts with acceptance, not warfare.

Accept Your Feelings

In spite of messages that we receive or internalize, anxiety, depression, triggered trauma etc. are morally neutral. They are things we experience, but aren’t good or bad until we assign our own judgement to them (or accept the judgement of others). The more we fight the things we’re experiencing and the feelings they cause - asking questions of ourselves like “why do I feel this way,” or “why does this keep happening to me” or telling ourselves “I can’t do this any more” or “I hate feeling this way” - the more we’re feeding the very thing we’re trying to overcome. Instead we need to practice acceptance of our feelings. They exist in this moment, we’re experiencing them in this moment, and that’s okay.

You are not Your Diagnosis

Accepting our feelings doesn’t mean being defined by them. We can accept that we feel depression, anger, anxiety, panic, etc and still know that we are not defined by those feelings. The feelings come and go independently from our existence. We may have an anxiety disorder and experience anxiety, but that isn’t all we feel even if in this moment it’s all there is. We’re complex, incredible individuals and our mental health challenges are only a part of what makes up the whole.

Practice Mindfulness & Meditation (or, you know, breathe)

Mindfulness practices give us an action we can take to bring acceptance and non-identification. We practice integrating our mental and physical sensations and meeting them with acceptance allowing ourselves to avoid making the situation worse with the self-inflicted anxiety about anxiety. We practice embracing that just because something feels bad, doesn’t mean it dangerous to us. It builds resilience and tolerance that can be translated to other experiences - like those times when you want to do something that you know is good for you. But doing something new feels scary or bad. Guess what, you know you can handle it because you’ve practiced accepting that you don’t have to treat all things that feel bad like they’re a threat or dangerous.

Be Patient with Yourself

I referenced above how much I’ve struggled with wanting to be “fixed.” I want to see the payoff of all the internal work, therapy, medication management, etc. and I want it to look like what I think it should look like. Sadly, what I think it should look like doesn’t exist in the same realm as reality. We live in a microwave society and mental health is frequently a Crock-pot situation. A suggestion I received years ago to help with one of my children has proven to be one of the best pieces of advice I’ve ever received from a mental health professional. Make a note of the less than stellar days so you can start to see the increase in between them. Or, to reframe it as a positive, recognize what’s going right in your life. Put a check-mark on your calendar every day you have a neutral to good day. Jot it down when something positive happens, even if it was 30 seconds out of an otherwise crappy day.

These mindset shifts—accepting your feelings, separating yourself from your diagnosis, practicing mindfulness, and being patient with progress—are the foundation. They won’t make depression or anxiety disappear, but they can stop you from making it worse by fighting yourself.

Next, we’ll look at the unglamorous basics: the executive function stuff that keeps you afloat when everything feels hard. Because sometimes the best thing you can do for your brain is feed it, sleep, and get some damn sunlight.

This is part 1 of a 3-part series on getting through depression and anxiety cycles.

Coming next: the survival basics that actually matter.

Wisdom & Ish: Neurospicy Life Without a Manual

Depression Survival Mode: The Basics That Actually Matter

When depression or anxiety hits, self-care advice can sound insufferable…

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a year ago · Samantha

“Take a bubble bath!” “Treat yourself to a pedicure!”

Cool. I can’t get out of bed and you want me to... schedule spa time?

Here’s the thing: I’m not talking about pedicures and bubble baths. I’m talking about the basic executive functions that keep you alive and somewhat functional when your brain is actively working against you.

This isn’t about optimization or wellness culture. This is about survival mode—and that’s okay.

In the first part of this series, we covered the mindset work: acceptance, self-compassion, patience. Now let’s talk about what to actually DO when everything feels impossible.

Get Through the Day... Week... Month... Whatever

Focus on survival basics

Get food that sounds tolerable and is easy to prep and eat. It doesn’t have to be healthy, it just needs to provide your brain and body some fuel. Get clean at least once a week. Try for three times a week, celebrate if you do it twice, and give yourself all the credit if you only manage it once. If you can’t shower, take a bath (okay, I guess I was talking about baths, but there are no candles involved here y’all). Go outside. I hate this one even when I’m not struggling, but all the mental health professionals say sunlight...blah blah blah...fresh air...blah blah blah. Don’t even get me started on my feelings on exercise and cardio.

Have a bedtime routine

Sleep hygiene is a newer term in my vocabulary and when I see it I think it must mean something about having clean sheets. Weird terms aside, a bedtime routine is both more important and somehow more challenging when we’re experiencing the shit show. For some people, this means sleeping too much, for others it means a lack of sleep due to any number of reasons. Personally, I’m a revenge reader when I’m on the struggle bus. I’ll stay up until 1:00 or 2:00 in the morning reading, even though my logical side knows I need at least 7 hours of sleep to function well. Mornings are not pretty when that happens. Try to go to bed and wake up as close to the same time each day as possible. Install an app on your phone that automatically blocks your access to social media or books at a certain time each night. Listen to ocean sounds, calming music or white (brown, green, pink) noise to relax. Some days, getting out of bed may mean only making it as far as the couch. Celebrate the win. Once again I must mention the importance of sunlight.

If you managed even one thing from this list today, that counts. Twice-weekly showers? A win. Eating something tolerable? Victory. Getting outside for five minutes? You’re doing great.

These aren’t the sexy self-care tips that make good Instagram posts. But they’re the ones that matter when you’re just trying to get through the day.

And here’s the truth: you don’t have to do this alone. In fact, you shouldn’t.

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Next up in this series: how to let people help you—and why connection matters even when (especially when) you want to hide from everyone.

Wisdom & Ish: Neurospicy Life Without a Manual

You Need People (Even When You Don't Think You Do)

When I’m struggling with depression, my brain tells me a very convincing lie: people are draining, and I’ll be better off avoiding them all…

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a year ago · Samantha

Missed the first post in the series? Find it here:

Wisdom & Ish: Neurospicy Life Without a Manual

The Kindness Shift: How to Stop Fighting Your Own Brain

Living with anxiety and depression is becoming more common as the traumas and “unprecedented” life experiences pile up. With the ongoing stigma of mental health challenges, it’s often my own mind that makes my challenges into struggles…

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a year ago · Samantha

Isolation feels like self-preservation. It feels like protecting my limited energy. It feels logical.

It’s also incredibly unhealthy for humans—and it makes everything worse.

In this series, we’ve covered the internal work (changing how you talk to yourself) and the practical basics (keeping yourself fed and functional). Now we’re tackling the hardest part: staying connected when everything in you wants to disappear.

I’m outrageously skeptical about what I refer to as “woo-woo bullshit,” but the longer I’ve been dealing with my mental health, the more I’ve learned that some things that sound very woo-wooey are still factual.

People give off an energy. And sometimes there’s no better way to feel connection than to be in the same space as a trusted friend or loved one and feel their energy.

Talk to people face to face at least once a week

Connecting with others has become more challenging since my agoraphobia has become more intense, but I still try to connect with my trusted friends at least once a month. If you’re able, get together with another human at least once a week and get a 10 second hug. Hugs that last at least 6 seconds release serotonin and oxytocin in your system and that increases greatly at the 10-second mark. Heck, take that up to 20 seconds if you’re feeling especially in need of some positive hormones in your system. I suggest you tell your hug-ee ahead of time that you need the hug to last that long, otherwise it can get awkward when they keep trying to end the hug and you don’t let go.

Teach your people what to watch for and what you need

My husband and close friends know the warning signs of when I’m starting to really struggle with my depression. They have my permission to bring these up and open the conversation to see how I’m doing and what I may need. To give them the information they need to help me, I needed to take the time to reflect on times when I’ve been struggling and look for any patterns. In doing that, I was able to see common warning signs that things may be in a downward spiral. In addition to providing my support network with the tools to help me, it also provided me additional tools in my own arsenal to help myself.

Connection isn’t a luxury when you’re struggling with depression or anxiety—it’s a survival tool. Even when (especially when) it feels easier to hide.

Teaching your people what to watch for gives them permission to care for you in ways that actually help. And showing up face-to-face, even briefly, even just for a 10-second hug, can shift something in your nervous system that nothing else can touch.

You don’t have to navigate this alone. And honestly? You weren’t meant to.

This completes our 3-part series on getting through depression and anxiety cycles. If you missed the earlier parts:

• Part 1: The mindset shifts that stop you from fighting yourself

• Part 2: The unglamorous basics that keep you functional

Remember: every small step you take is a victory worth celebrating. You’re doing better than you think you are.

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I love systems and tools, but focusing on finding the right system, tool, platform etc. has killed more than one of my passion projects. Focusing on these things has allowed me to feel productive while staying safe. The real work of creating and putting a piece of myself out there is terrifying and as long as I avoided that, I wasn’t failing at something that mattered to me.

I know a lot of us are fighting this same battle. Whether it’s a creative project or a work project, we can fall into the trap of trying to get it right and use that as an excuse for not doing at all. So what are some little mindset shifts that can lead to a big difference?

Adaptability

At the start of any new project, we don’t know what we don’t know. It wastes time trying to find the perfect system or answers when we aren’t even fully aware of the questions. Adaptability in this instance says “I’m going to start moving forward and adjust as I need to.”

• Why it’s scary: You’re going to make mistakes and sometimes those mistakes are costly in terms of time or money.

  Why it works: Clarity often comes in doing. As you’re moving forward, you find you don’t need as much as you thought you did, some things are simpler than you expected them to be, and you become more comfortable and confident in dealing with the unknown.

Next Right Step

We’d like to know what to expect from start to finish, but that’s rarely possible. Your responsibility is to take the next right step with the information you have right now.

• Why it’s scary: You are the only one who can truly determine your next right step. You hold all the power of choice, and you also hold all the responsibility.

• Why it works: It doesn’t require us to have all the information in advance. We give ourselves permission to make the best decision we can with the information we have - then we give ourselves the grace to accept that regardless of the outcome, we did the best we could and that’s enough.

Good Enough

Minimum Viable Product; 80/20 Rule; Scalable - these are all terms or theories that support the idea of releasing a product when it’s good enough.

• Why it’s scary: Being okay with “good enough” means releasing it to be seen, felt, and heard by others. It means opening ourselves up not only to be truly seen, but to experiencing other’s reactions and responses to what we’re putting out.

• Why it works: We learn through doing and through feedback from those in our inner circle we know to be trustworthy, or from subject matter experts. It also keeps us moving forward on the path of doing rather than thinking about doing.

Bring Your Perspective

What is something you’ve done that felt scary at the time?

How do you choose action over fear?

This week’s post is a download that will help you identify your values and put them into action. There is a full color version and one with less color that can be printed.

Values To Action Printable

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Values To Action Full Color

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Bring Your Perspective

1. What is something you learned during this process.

2. Share one of your core values

   .

Not all people are going to be your people. Contrary to what our society seems to be pushing right now, just because someone is not “your people” doesn’t meant that they are bad, wrong, going to hell, etc. It also doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with you. Here are two ways you can focus on your sphere of influence in these situations and stay mentally and emotionally healthy.

“Your people” to me is defined as those you can spend time with and not walk away feeling smaller, less than, awkward as hell, or like you need a shower. That’s a lot - which means there are likely quite a few people out there who aren’t going to be your bestie.

Don’t let the negative self-talk convince you that you’re the problem.

When you meet a group of people, and you don’t fit in, you don’t feel good in their presence or you just don’t agree with things that seem to be very important to them, don’t assume there’s something wrong with you. Take some time to process your feelings around the experience and understand why you’re feeling the way you do. Then recognize and document the ways the people involved aren’t an ideal fit in your community. It’s very common for us to overly focus on why we didn’t fit in with them and miss the ways they didn’t fit in with us.

Don’t assign judgement to them.

This one can be really hard - because there are times when another group’s different beliefs can be harmful to you. Please understand I’m not implying that their beliefs are okay or should exist unchallenged. However, even in these circumstances, we have to be mindful and choose not to dehumanize others.

In instances where you don’t click because of personal preference, it’s important to remember that they aren’t evil, stupid, etc. They’re just people who believe differently or like different things. And that’s okay. You don’t have to tear them down to make yourself feel better for not fitting in with them or to make your beliefs or choices more valid.

We’ve all experienced times when we felt alone in a crowd of people. Usually these are groups we either thought we should fit in with (a faith community we grew up in), or that we desperately wished we could fit in with (the popular people). These groups are different for everyone, but by focusing on what we can control, we can keep ourselves in a healthier, more focused place.

Bring Your Perspective

1. How do you respond to people and groups that you don’t click with?

2. What is the best way you’ve found to process interactions with people whose beliefs are harmful to you or your community?

Note As always - any content published that deals with relationships acknowledges that situations of abuse or hate are ALWAYS exceptions.