The result: year after year, bit by bit, I stopped trusting myself.

Let’s talk about what actually causes broken self-trust, and how to rebuild it without adding more shame to the pile.

The Real Reason Your Self-Trust Is Broken

Instant gratification gets all the blame. “You’re too addicted to dopamine.” “You need more self-control.” Cool, thanks, very helpful.

But here’s the thing they’re missing: a lot of us learned to distrust ourselves long before we had smartphones.

When you grow up being told - directly or indirectly - that your thoughts are wrong, your needs are inconvenient, and your instincts can’t be trusted? You internalize that. You learn that you’re the unreliable narrator of your own life.

So yeah, you might reach for your phone when you’re supposed to be working. But that’s often not about lacking discipline - it’s about avoiding the discomfort of trusting yourself to do the thing. (Spoiler alert: avoidance is a completely logical response when you’ve been taught your judgment is faulty.)

Real talk: Before you can rebuild self-trust, you need to acknowledge where it got broken in the first place. And for a lot of us, it wasn’t our fault.

What Actually Rebuilds Self-Trust

The good news? Self-trust can be rebuilt. The additional good news? It’s not through willpower and punishment.

Here’s what actually works:

Start absurdly small. Not “I’ll work out for 30 minutes” small. “I’ll do 2 pushups” small. Make the bar so low you could trip over it. The goal isn’t to achieve something impressive - it’s to prove to yourself that you can do what you say you’ll do. Build that for a month before you even think about increasing.

Goal setting feel shitty? Try exploring little experiments instead. Check out Tiny Experiments by Anne-Laure Le Cunff. Make relearning self trust more fun and less stressful by playing around with short term experiments. This method also helps us to focus on the actions we take (what we can control) instead of the outcomes (what we can’t really control).

Plan for the obstacles. Use the if-then technique: “If I feel like skipping this, then I’ll just put on my gym clothes and do 5 minutes.” You’re not committing to the whole thing - you’re committing to the smallest possible next step. That’s how you check the box without the shame spiral.

Protect your existing promises by saying no. This is huge. Every time you say yes to something you don’t actually want to do, you’re setting yourself up to break a promise. Try this instead: “Let me take a beat and get back to you.” Only commit to the “hell yes” stuff. Everything else is a threat to your self-trust.

One more thing: celebrate the small wins. I’m not talking about buying yourself a car for doing your laundry (though if that’s your vibe, go off). I mean literally saying “nice job, self” when you keep a promise. It feels ridiculous at first. Do it anyway.

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Try This:

Self-trust isn’t built through grand gestures. It’s built through tiny promises kept consistently.

Here’s what you can do:

​1. Pick one micro-commitment for this week - Something so small it feels almost silly. One sentence in a journal. Two pushups. Respond to one email. That’s it. Don’t add more until you’ve kept this promise for a month.

​2. Put a sticky note on your pillow - At night, take 30 seconds to reflect on whether you kept your promise. In the morning, see it again as a reminder. You’re not tracking failure - you’re building awareness. (Free habit tracker templates exist, but honestly? We’re most likely going to stop using them after the first few days.)

​3. Practice saying “let me get back to you” - Before you automatically say yes to the next request, pause. Actually think about whether this is a “hell yes” or just a “I feel guilty saying no.” Your self-trust depends on protecting your existing commitments.

This might feel awkward. Your brain might tell you it’s not enough. That’s normal. Not a sign you’re doing it wrong.

What’s one promise you’ve been breaking to yourself? How can you make it smaller and more manageable for rebuilding self-trust?

Hit reply - I read every one.

Figuring it out with you,

Samantha

Here’s the Ish: You don’t actually need anyone’s permission. But sometimes knowing you’re not the only one who has these needs helps quiet the guilt. So below are the permission slips nobody gave us - the ones that might make your holidays slightly less of a shitshow.

Permission to say ‘no’ to hugs To moms, aunts, grandmas, uncles, cousins, in-laws, family friends who've "known you since you were this big" — all of them. You don't owe anyone access to your body, and you can start enforcing that boundary today even if you never have before. "I'm not a hugger" requires no further explanation.

Permission to skip it entirely You’re not legally required to attend anything. Not Christmas. Not the office party. Not your cousin’s ugly sweater potluck. “I’m not coming this year” doesn’t require a justification, a doctor’s note, or a tragedy. Sometimes the most radical act of self-care is just... not showing up.

Permission to leave early You don’t have to stay until the end. You don’t have to wait for dessert, the gift exchange, or Uncle Dave’s third bourbon-fueled political rant. Set your exit time before you arrive. When it’s time, go. You came - that was the gift.

Permission to sit in the car Before you go in. During the party. After you’ve hit your limit. The car is a perfectly valid decompression chamber. Sit there and scroll your phone, cry, stare at nothing, or blast music that would horrify your grandmother. The car is neutral territory.

Permission to hide in the bathroom Or the bedroom. Or the backyard. Or anywhere you can get five goddamn minutes without someone asking why you’re being so quiet. Strategic disappearing is a survival skill, not rudeness.

Permission to wear what’s actually comfortable Fuck the itchy sweater. Fuck the “nice pants.” Fuck the shoes that hurt after twenty minutes. If you need soft fabrics, elastic waistbands, and layers you can remove when you start overheating from social stress, wear them. No outfit is worth a sensory meltdown.

Permission to eat weird Eat before you go. Bring your own safe food. Skip the dishes that make you gag. Eat only the rolls. Eat nothing at all. Your relationship with food during high-stress events is your own business. The food police can choke on their green bean casserole.

Permission to not drink (or to drink) You don’t owe anyone an explanation for either choice. “No thanks” is complete. So is “yes please, and keep them coming.” Whatever gets you through.

Permission to bring your own car Even if it’s “silly” to take two cars. Even if someone offers to pick you up. Having an escape route isn’t paranoid - it’s strategic. You cannot leave when you need to if you’re trapped.

Permission to have a signal with your partner/friend/ally A code word. A hand gesture. A specific text. Whatever means “I’m done, get me out of this conversation” or “we need to leave in the next ten minutes.” Solidarity pacts are essential.

Permission to not explain your diagnosis You don’t have to come out as neurodivergent at the dinner table. You don’t have to educate your family. You don’t have to justify your accommodations to people who will respond with “everyone’s a little ADHD” or “you seem fine to me.” Pearls before swine, etc.

Permission to refuse the interrogation “So what are you up to these days?” “Are you seeing anyone?” “When are you having kids?” “What happened to that job?” You can deflect, redirect, give a non-answer, or straight up say “I’m not talking about that.” Your life is not a performance for relatives who only see you twice a year.

Permission to not perform happiness You don’t have to smile constantly. You don’t have to be “on.” You don’t have to pretend you’re having a great time when you’re overstimulated, exhausted, or quietly dissociating. Your face is allowed to match how you actually feel.

Permission to opt out of gift culture The shopping. The wrapping. The forced reciprocity. The anxiety of getting it “right.” You can bow out. You can set spending limits. You can suggest no gifts. You can give the same thing to everyone. You can give nothing at all and let people deal with their feelings about it.

Permission to do the holidays YOUR way Stay home in your pajamas. Volunteer somewhere. Go to a movie alone. Ignore it completely. Create new traditions that don’t make you want to disappear. The “right” way to do holidays is whatever doesn’t wreck you.

Permission to recover afterward Block off the day after. The week after. However long you need. Don’t schedule anything. Don’t expect productivity. Let yourself be a potato. You just survived something your nervous system experienced as a marathon. Rest isn’t optional - it’s mandatory.

Permission to feel however you feel about your family Love them and dread seeing them. Miss the family you wish you had. Feel relief when it’s over. Feel grief for what the holidays “should” be. Feel nothing at all. All of it’s valid. Complicated feelings about family aren’t a character flaw - they’re just... reality.

Permission to protect your peace over keeping the peace You don’t have to absorb someone else’s shitty comments to avoid “ruining the holiday.” You don’t have to be the bigger person every time. You’re allowed to have limits, and you’re allowed to enforce them - even if it makes things “awkward.” Awkward is survivable. Betraying yourself isn’t.

You're not alone in needing these permissions. And you're not broken for struggling with things that seem "easy" for everyone else. If any of these resonated, screenshot them, save them, share them with someone who needs to hear it. We're all just out here trying to survive the season without completely losing ourselves in the process.

Figuring it out with you,

Samantha

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Sometimes my anxiety level goes from “normal” to “oh my god I want to rip my own skin off” in the blink of an eye. When that happens, “just breathe” just isn’t going to get the job done.

Here are some techniques that actually help me regulate in the moment.

Say what you’re feeling out loud. Yes, to yourself. Alone.

One time I was driving to therapy and a large rock flew up from a truck and slammed into my windshield. The sound was deafening. I was already barely holding it together - this was during intensive outpatient treatment for my mental health - so I was not in a good place to begin with.

When that rock hit, I literally yelled, “FUCK, that was scary!”

And something surprising happened. Just verbalizing it - acknowledging out loud that yes, that was terrifying - helped me avoid completely spiraling. I didn’t get triggered into full hyperarousal. I didn’t dissociate. I just... stayed present.

Real talk: Sometimes just saying what you’re feeling out loud is incredibly regulating, even when you’re talking to yourself. It’s self-validation in real time.

Let yourself verbalize your feelings with the true emotion behind them. As angry as you need to. As loud as you need to. As quiet as you need to. Whatever fits the emotion you’re actually experiencing. (Not the emotion you think you “should” be experiencing.)

Stand up and sway. Not for fun - for bilateral input.

If you’ve ever cared for a baby, you know the instinct to rock back and forth when they’re crying. Parents do it automatically - you’ll catch yourself swaying in the grocery store line even when the baby isn’t with you.

There’s a reason for that. Bilateral stimulation - the back-and-forth movement - is incredibly soothing to the nervous system. And it works for adults too.

This calms my system faster than scrolling ever has.

You can do it anywhere. Standing, seated (important for driving, working, or if standing isn’t accessible), or even with tiny micro-sways nobody notices.

I use a mini trampoline at my standing desk, which turns regulation into something playful that my ADHD brain actually wants to do. The softer surface also helps because I struggle with bodily sensations from movement - past trauma plus autism means I’m pretty sensory avoidant. A lot of us are.

Use ice. Like, actually hold it in your hands.

For me, ice has been shockingly effective (pun intended) when I’m starting to spiral into anxiety.

When I’m anxious, I also feel flushed and overheated. So the combination of focusing very mindfully on how cold the ice is and the ice literally bringing down my body temperature signals safety to my nervous system.

I hold ice cubes in my hands. Sometimes I rub them on the back of my neck. If I’m out and don’t have access to ice, I’ll put my hands on the metal parts of the refrigerated section at the grocery store. (Yes, I look weird. No, I don’t care anymore.)

Here’s why: The cold shock interrupts the anxiety spiral and gives your brain something else to focus on.

Other ways people use ice for regulation:

• Take ice cubes outside and throw them - watch them shatter

• Do a face ice bath - bowl of ice water, submerge your face for a few seconds (this triggers the dive reflex that literally slows your heart rate. You can also do this “diving” motion even without the ice water and it will have a similar effect.)

• Cold showers or baths if you have access and if showering itself isn’t triggering for you

Ice is free. It’s accessible. And it works fast.

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Try This:

Regulation doesn’t have to look peaceful. Sometimes it looks like yelling in your car, swaying like a parent with no baby, or standing at the freezer holding ice cubes.

• ​Next time you feel a big emotion, name it out loud - Even if you’re alone. Even if it feels weird. “That was scary.” “I’m so angry right now.” “This is overwhelming.” Let yourself hear your own validation.

• Add bilateral movement to moments you’re already standing - Brushing your teeth. Waiting for coffee to brew. On a phone call. Just gentle side-to-side rocking. Notice if your body softens even a little.

• Keep ice accessible - Freeze some cubes. When anxiety hits and you feel hot and activated, grab one. Hold it. Let it be uncomfortable. That’s the point - it interrupts the spiral.

Your nervous system doesn’t care about aesthetics. It cares about feeling safe.

What’s your go-to regulation technique that doesn’t look “calm” from the outside?

Hit reply - I read every one.

Figuring it out with you,

Samantha

• What I’m realizing: The life I want isn’t waiting for me at some imaginary finish line. I need to stop sprinting toward “there” and start actually living here.

• What actually happened: I keep catching myself in this pattern: work harder, do more, burn out, quit, feel like a failure, repeat. This week I finally articulated why that doesn’t work: I’m making myself miserable now trying to get to some future place where I’m supposedly going to be happy. But that’s a lie. The better version is building a life I want to live *right now* while making tiny improvements, and letting that be enough.

• What might help you: Ask yourself: “Am I building a life I want to live, or am I punishing myself until I ‘deserve’ to live it?” If you’re waiting to be happy/balanced/calm until you’ve “made it,” you’re going to be waiting forever. What’s one thing that would make today feel more like the life you actually want? Start there.

• Why this matters: You can’t hate yourself into a version of yourself you love. Neither can I. Contentment in the present while moving forward beats grinding yourself into burnout every single time.

SPIRITUALITY *(Finding Meaning When Everything Feels Pointless)*

• What I’m questioning: Does painting count as spiritual practice if it’s not explicitly about God?

• What actually happened: I painted one morning for 20 minutes. No worship music, no Bible, no “God layer” on top. Just me, paint, and silence. And it set the tone for my entire day—I felt centered, regulated, calm. It was meditative in a way that didn’t require sitting still or clearing my mind or any of the things traditional meditation demands. So now I’m wondering: does something have to be explicitly religious to be spiritual? Or is the act of regulating my nervous system, starting my day from a calm place, and showing up as the person I want to be *already* an act of worship?

• What might help you: If traditional spiritual practices don’t work for your brain, give yourself permission to try something else. Painting, walking, gardening, cooking, movement—anything that helps you feel grounded and connected. You don’t have to force a “God layer” on it to make it count. Maybe the sacredness is in the care itself.

• Why this matters: Maybe spirituality for neurodivergent people often doesn’t look like what we were taught it should - I’m still exploring this idea. And if it doesn’t, that doesn’t make it less valid. (Also, silence is allowed to be part of your practice. Not everything has to be productive or loud or explicitly labeled.)

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Just a quick post to remind me that I don’t have to have it all figured out immediately. I’m doing a great job just by putting in the effort, trying, and learning. And to remind all of you that we’re all building this as we go.

Samantha

What are YOU sitting with this week? Hit reply and tell me—I read everything.

The wins in the situation were:

• that I recognized as I was having the feelings and the thoughts that they were directly tied to past trauma. So the way that I was reacting and responding to the current situation was compounded by stuff from the past.

• that I got up, I walked away from my desk, I took the medication I needed to take, I rested, and I just concentrated on taking care of myself and respecting my body’s needs in that moment instead of trying to force myself to continue working and to just continue trying to deny or shove down the physical and emotional experience that I was having. I acknowledged the feelings I was having. This is a HUGE win for me.

I struggled last night a lot with grief around having had so many past experiences that I could respond so strongly to what is, in fact, a very normal work situation - where you feel like you’re not being heard or it seems like people are asking you to do more work with fewer resources. I mean, I think that’s a pretty typical experience that most people encounter, but my history is such that it felt like I was in danger. I feel a lot of grief around that.

I’m definitely trying to navigate the feelings of “I just want to be normal! Why can’t I be normal?” And it all comes back to understanding that:

• I’m not sure that there is any such thing as normal

• For somebody with a neurodiverse brain and somebody whose neurodiversity also includes PTSD, this is normal

This is normal, and it’s part of the ongoing process and the ongoing work of accepting that this is how my brain and my body work. I have seen improvement, and I will continue to see improvement and healing, but it’s not a fast process, it’s not an overnight process, and it’s a work that’s probably never going to be done.

I think that recovering from mental health and PTSD struggles is no different than recovering from a substance addiction. The work is never done; every day we have to make the choice to continue moving forward in our progress, in our process, and in our healing and recovery. Or we’re going to backslide or relapse.

That’s the reality that I am dealing with right now, that I am exploring and trying to understand, and wrestling with, and working towards acceptance on.

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I’m learning that chasing someone else’s version of normal only adds to the struggle—I’d love to know if you’ve had a similar realization.

What does “normal” mean to you?

In the mess with you,

Samantha

Here’s the thing nobody mentions: Most of the time, those goals aren’t even what the goal setter really wants or needs.

Because if you’re neurodivergent, there’s a good chance you’ve spent your whole life trying to meet expectations that were never designed for how your brain works. And when you set goals based on what you’re “supposed” to want - not what actually matters to you - you’re setting yourself up for that familiar cycle: set goal → struggle → feel like failure → erode self-trust → repeat.

Real talk: That’s not a you problem. That’s a using someone else’s manual problem.

The Outcome Trap (And Why ND Brains Hate It)

Tying your self-worth to outcomes is already rough. But when you’re neurodivergent? It’s especially brutal.

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• Got passed over for that promotion despite working twice as hard to compensate for your brain? Failure.

• Scale didn’t move even though you’re fighting executive dysfunction just to feed yourself consistently? Failure.

• Didn’t hit that arbitrary milestone because your demand avoidance or burnout got in the way? You guessed it.

Except none of those things are entirely in your control. You can do everything “right” (by neurotypical standards) and still not get the outcome you want. And when that happens repeatedly - which it does when you’re playing a game rigged for different brains - it doesn’t mean you failed. It means the system was broken from the start.

I’ve been in this cycle myself. Struggling with body image issues (hello, PTSD side effects), watching my mental health tank every time I set goals based on what I thought I was “supposed” to achieve. The number on the scale became proof I was broken. Every unreached milestone confirmed what I’d always suspected about myself.

The Truth: I wasn’t broken. I was measuring the wrong things with the wrong ruler.

What Actually Matters: Actions You Control

Here’s the shift that changed everything: focus on actions, not outcomes.

• Eating in a way that makes you feel good? That matters, whether or not you lose weight.

• Moving your body in ways you enjoy (and can actually sustain with your energy levels)? Good for your mental health, regardless of what you look like doing it.

• Setting boundaries? Valuable even if people get upset.

The process is what you control. The outcome is just... what happens.

When you focus on values-based, action-oriented goals that genuinely add value to your life right now - not because they’ll get you somewhere, but because they make today better - you stop riding the failure rollercoaster. You start building trust with yourself again.

And for those of us who’ve spent years masking, people-pleasing, and trying to fit into boxes that weren’t built for neurodivergent brains? Learning to trust our own needs and preferences is revolutionary.

So What Now?

Here’s what you can actually do:

• ​1. Audit your goals - Write down what you’re “supposed” to achieve this year. Then circle only the ones that are actually yours. Cross out everything that’s someone else’s expectation wearing your handwriting. (Be honest - how many are just “things neurotypical people do”?)

• ​2. Shift to process & curiosity based goals - Instead of “lose 20 pounds,” try “cook one meal I actually enjoy this week.” Instead of “get promoted,” try “learn one thing I’m genuinely curious about.” Work with your dopamine, not against it.

• ​3. Track how you feel, not just what you accomplish - Note when an action makes you feel energized, capable, or peaceful. That’s your compass. Not the scale. Not the performance review. How you actually feel in your actual body.

And if you try this and still feel like you’re failing? That’s old wiring, not truth. Give it time.

---

What’s one goal you’ve been chasing that might not actually be yours?

Hit reply - I read every one.

Figuring it out with you,

Samantha

Typical shitty internal messages include “I just want to be ‘normal’” and “why haven’t I been fixed yet?”

When I’m not struggling with my depression or anxiety, I put it in my Denial Box and chose to believe that I am ‘fixed’ and the symptoms are never coming back. Sweet Baby Yoda that causes even more upset when the cycle comes back around because then I’m also adding the disappointment of unmet expectations to the simmering cauldron of ick.

So what can you and I do to avoid this frustrating cycle of allowing our own brains to beat us up?

We can start by changing how we talk to ourselves—and that starts with acceptance, not warfare.

Accept Your Feelings

In spite of messages that we receive or internalize, anxiety, depression, triggered trauma etc. are morally neutral. They are things we experience, but aren’t good or bad until we assign our own judgement to them (or accept the judgement of others). The more we fight the things we’re experiencing and the feelings they cause - asking questions of ourselves like “why do I feel this way,” or “why does this keep happening to me” or telling ourselves “I can’t do this any more” or “I hate feeling this way” - the more we’re feeding the very thing we’re trying to overcome. Instead we need to practice acceptance of our feelings. They exist in this moment, we’re experiencing them in this moment, and that’s okay.

You are not Your Diagnosis

Accepting our feelings doesn’t mean being defined by them. We can accept that we feel depression, anger, anxiety, panic, etc and still know that we are not defined by those feelings. The feelings come and go independently from our existence. We may have an anxiety disorder and experience anxiety, but that isn’t all we feel even if in this moment it’s all there is. We’re complex, incredible individuals and our mental health challenges are only a part of what makes up the whole.

Practice Mindfulness & Meditation (or, you know, breathe)

Mindfulness practices give us an action we can take to bring acceptance and non-identification. We practice integrating our mental and physical sensations and meeting them with acceptance allowing ourselves to avoid making the situation worse with the self-inflicted anxiety about anxiety. We practice embracing that just because something feels bad, doesn’t mean it dangerous to us. It builds resilience and tolerance that can be translated to other experiences - like those times when you want to do something that you know is good for you. But doing something new feels scary or bad. Guess what, you know you can handle it because you’ve practiced accepting that you don’t have to treat all things that feel bad like they’re a threat or dangerous.

Be Patient with Yourself

I referenced above how much I’ve struggled with wanting to be “fixed.” I want to see the payoff of all the internal work, therapy, medication management, etc. and I want it to look like what I think it should look like. Sadly, what I think it should look like doesn’t exist in the same realm as reality. We live in a microwave society and mental health is frequently a Crock-pot situation. A suggestion I received years ago to help with one of my children has proven to be one of the best pieces of advice I’ve ever received from a mental health professional. Make a note of the less than stellar days so you can start to see the increase in between them. Or, to reframe it as a positive, recognize what’s going right in your life. Put a check-mark on your calendar every day you have a neutral to good day. Jot it down when something positive happens, even if it was 30 seconds out of an otherwise crappy day.

These mindset shifts—accepting your feelings, separating yourself from your diagnosis, practicing mindfulness, and being patient with progress—are the foundation. They won’t make depression or anxiety disappear, but they can stop you from making it worse by fighting yourself.

Next, we’ll look at the unglamorous basics: the executive function stuff that keeps you afloat when everything feels hard. Because sometimes the best thing you can do for your brain is feed it, sleep, and get some damn sunlight.

This is part 1 of a 3-part series on getting through depression and anxiety cycles.

Coming next: the survival basics that actually matter.

Wisdom & Ish: Neurospicy Life Without a Manual

Depression Survival Mode: The Basics That Actually Matter

When depression or anxiety hits, self-care advice can sound insufferable…

Read more

5 months ago · Samantha

“Take a bubble bath!” “Treat yourself to a pedicure!”

Cool. I can’t get out of bed and you want me to... schedule spa time?

Here’s the thing: I’m not talking about pedicures and bubble baths. I’m talking about the basic executive functions that keep you alive and somewhat functional when your brain is actively working against you.

This isn’t about optimization or wellness culture. This is about survival mode—and that’s okay.

In the first part of this series, we covered the mindset work: acceptance, self-compassion, patience. Now let’s talk about what to actually DO when everything feels impossible.

Get Through the Day... Week... Month... Whatever

Focus on survival basics

Get food that sounds tolerable and is easy to prep and eat. It doesn’t have to be healthy, it just needs to provide your brain and body some fuel. Get clean at least once a week. Try for three times a week, celebrate if you do it twice, and give yourself all the credit if you only manage it once. If you can’t shower, take a bath (okay, I guess I was talking about baths, but there are no candles involved here y’all). Go outside. I hate this one even when I’m not struggling, but all the mental health professionals say sunlight...blah blah blah...fresh air...blah blah blah. Don’t even get me started on my feelings on exercise and cardio.

Have a bedtime routine

Sleep hygiene is a newer term in my vocabulary and when I see it I think it must mean something about having clean sheets. Weird terms aside, a bedtime routine is both more important and somehow more challenging when we’re experiencing the shit show. For some people, this means sleeping too much, for others it means a lack of sleep due to any number of reasons. Personally, I’m a revenge reader when I’m on the struggle bus. I’ll stay up until 1:00 or 2:00 in the morning reading, even though my logical side knows I need at least 7 hours of sleep to function well. Mornings are not pretty when that happens. Try to go to bed and wake up as close to the same time each day as possible. Install an app on your phone that automatically blocks your access to social media or books at a certain time each night. Listen to ocean sounds, calming music or white (brown, green, pink) noise to relax. Some days, getting out of bed may mean only making it as far as the couch. Celebrate the win. Once again I must mention the importance of sunlight.

If you managed even one thing from this list today, that counts. Twice-weekly showers? A win. Eating something tolerable? Victory. Getting outside for five minutes? You’re doing great.

These aren’t the sexy self-care tips that make good Instagram posts. But they’re the ones that matter when you’re just trying to get through the day.

And here’s the truth: you don’t have to do this alone. In fact, you shouldn’t.

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Next up in this series: how to let people help you—and why connection matters even when (especially when) you want to hide from everyone.

Wisdom & Ish: Neurospicy Life Without a Manual

You Need People (Even When You Don't Think You Do)

When I’m struggling with depression, my brain tells me a very convincing lie: people are draining, and I’ll be better off avoiding them all…

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5 months ago · Samantha

Missed the first post in the series? Find it here:

Wisdom & Ish: Neurospicy Life Without a Manual

The Kindness Shift: How to Stop Fighting Your Own Brain

Living with anxiety and depression is becoming more common as the traumas and “unprecedented” life experiences pile up. With the ongoing stigma of mental health challenges, it’s often my own mind that makes my challenges into struggles…

Read more

5 months ago · Samantha

Isolation feels like self-preservation. It feels like protecting my limited energy. It feels logical.

It’s also incredibly unhealthy for humans—and it makes everything worse.

In this series, we’ve covered the internal work (changing how you talk to yourself) and the practical basics (keeping yourself fed and functional). Now we’re tackling the hardest part: staying connected when everything in you wants to disappear.

I’m outrageously skeptical about what I refer to as “woo-woo bullshit,” but the longer I’ve been dealing with my mental health, the more I’ve learned that some things that sound very woo-wooey are still factual.

People give off an energy. And sometimes there’s no better way to feel connection than to be in the same space as a trusted friend or loved one and feel their energy.

Talk to people face to face at least once a week

Connecting with others has become more challenging since my agoraphobia has become more intense, but I still try to connect with my trusted friends at least once a month. If you’re able, get together with another human at least once a week and get a 10 second hug. Hugs that last at least 6 seconds release serotonin and oxytocin in your system and that increases greatly at the 10-second mark. Heck, take that up to 20 seconds if you’re feeling especially in need of some positive hormones in your system. I suggest you tell your hug-ee ahead of time that you need the hug to last that long, otherwise it can get awkward when they keep trying to end the hug and you don’t let go.

Teach your people what to watch for and what you need

My husband and close friends know the warning signs of when I’m starting to really struggle with my depression. They have my permission to bring these up and open the conversation to see how I’m doing and what I may need. To give them the information they need to help me, I needed to take the time to reflect on times when I’ve been struggling and look for any patterns. In doing that, I was able to see common warning signs that things may be in a downward spiral. In addition to providing my support network with the tools to help me, it also provided me additional tools in my own arsenal to help myself.

Connection isn’t a luxury when you’re struggling with depression or anxiety—it’s a survival tool. Even when (especially when) it feels easier to hide.

Teaching your people what to watch for gives them permission to care for you in ways that actually help. And showing up face-to-face, even briefly, even just for a 10-second hug, can shift something in your nervous system that nothing else can touch.

You don’t have to navigate this alone. And honestly? You weren’t meant to.

This completes our 3-part series on getting through depression and anxiety cycles. If you missed the earlier parts:

• Part 1: The mindset shifts that stop you from fighting yourself

• Part 2: The unglamorous basics that keep you functional

Remember: every small step you take is a victory worth celebrating. You’re doing better than you think you are.

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I love systems and tools, but focusing on finding the right system, tool, platform etc. has killed more than one of my passion projects. Focusing on these things has allowed me to feel productive while staying safe. The real work of creating and putting a piece of myself out there is terrifying and as long as I avoided that, I wasn’t failing at something that mattered to me.

I know a lot of us are fighting this same battle. Whether it’s a creative project or a work project, we can fall into the trap of trying to get it right and use that as an excuse for not doing at all. So what are some little mindset shifts that can lead to a big difference?

Adaptability

At the start of any new project, we don’t know what we don’t know. It wastes time trying to find the perfect system or answers when we aren’t even fully aware of the questions. Adaptability in this instance says “I’m going to start moving forward and adjust as I need to.”

• Why it’s scary: You’re going to make mistakes and sometimes those mistakes are costly in terms of time or money.

  Why it works: Clarity often comes in doing. As you’re moving forward, you find you don’t need as much as you thought you did, some things are simpler than you expected them to be, and you become more comfortable and confident in dealing with the unknown.

Next Right Step

We’d like to know what to expect from start to finish, but that’s rarely possible. Your responsibility is to take the next right step with the information you have right now.

• Why it’s scary: You are the only one who can truly determine your next right step. You hold all the power of choice, and you also hold all the responsibility.

• Why it works: It doesn’t require us to have all the information in advance. We give ourselves permission to make the best decision we can with the information we have - then we give ourselves the grace to accept that regardless of the outcome, we did the best we could and that’s enough.

Good Enough

Minimum Viable Product; 80/20 Rule; Scalable - these are all terms or theories that support the idea of releasing a product when it’s good enough.

• Why it’s scary: Being okay with “good enough” means releasing it to be seen, felt, and heard by others. It means opening ourselves up not only to be truly seen, but to experiencing other’s reactions and responses to what we’re putting out.

• Why it works: We learn through doing and through feedback from those in our inner circle we know to be trustworthy, or from subject matter experts. It also keeps us moving forward on the path of doing rather than thinking about doing.

Bring Your Perspective

What is something you’ve done that felt scary at the time?

How do you choose action over fear?

This week’s post is a download that will help you identify your values and put them into action. There is a full color version and one with less color that can be printed.

Values To Action Printable

453KB ∙ PDF file

Download

Download

Values To Action Full Color

453KB ∙ PDF file

Download

Download

Bring Your Perspective

1. What is something you learned during this process.

2. Share one of your core values

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Not all people are going to be your people. Contrary to what our society seems to be pushing right now, just because someone is not “your people” doesn’t meant that they are bad, wrong, going to hell, etc. It also doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with you. Here are two ways you can focus on your sphere of influence in these situations and stay mentally and emotionally healthy.

“Your people” to me is defined as those you can spend time with and not walk away feeling smaller, less than, awkward as hell, or like you need a shower. That’s a lot - which means there are likely quite a few people out there who aren’t going to be your bestie.

Don’t let the negative self-talk convince you that you’re the problem.

When you meet a group of people, and you don’t fit in, you don’t feel good in their presence or you just don’t agree with things that seem to be very important to them, don’t assume there’s something wrong with you. Take some time to process your feelings around the experience and understand why you’re feeling the way you do. Then recognize and document the ways the people involved aren’t an ideal fit in your community. It’s very common for us to overly focus on why we didn’t fit in with them and miss the ways they didn’t fit in with us.

Don’t assign judgement to them.

This one can be really hard - because there are times when another group’s different beliefs can be harmful to you. Please understand I’m not implying that their beliefs are okay or should exist unchallenged. However, even in these circumstances, we have to be mindful and choose not to dehumanize others.

In instances where you don’t click because of personal preference, it’s important to remember that they aren’t evil, stupid, etc. They’re just people who believe differently or like different things. And that’s okay. You don’t have to tear them down to make yourself feel better for not fitting in with them or to make your beliefs or choices more valid.

We’ve all experienced times when we felt alone in a crowd of people. Usually these are groups we either thought we should fit in with (a faith community we grew up in), or that we desperately wished we could fit in with (the popular people). These groups are different for everyone, but by focusing on what we can control, we can keep ourselves in a healthier, more focused place.

Bring Your Perspective

1. How do you respond to people and groups that you don’t click with?

2. What is the best way you’ve found to process interactions with people whose beliefs are harmful to you or your community?

Note As always - any content published that deals with relationships acknowledges that situations of abuse or hate are ALWAYS exceptions.